Ruth Institute Fathers Day Reconciliation Proposal
with Dr. Jennifer Roback Morse
America has been in the grip of a gender ideology that says that no matter what the question, the answer is, blame the man. In spite of the media attention to “deadbeat dads,” many fathers make their child support payments and want to spend more time with their children. Many Americans do not realize how often mothers prevent their children from seeing their fathers.
Now I am fully aware that this problem can go both ways: Custodial parents, whether mothers
or fathers, sometimes prevent their children from seeing their other parent. Custodial parents, male
or female, sometimes pit the children against their other parent. Having said this, however, our 
focus
on this particular site at this particular time is to encourage healing for the broken father child bond.
After all, it is Fathers’ Day. But families who have suffered from a father alienating his children against
their mother can find help and healing here as well.
We also are aware that in some families, one of the parents really was a problem. The mother may have had good reasons for keeping a truly abusive father away from the kids. But if you honestly can’t remember any genuinely abusive behavior, if you have heard one parent consistently denigrate the other, we encourage you to reconsider your opinion of that absent parent.
If your family has experienced some form of parental alienation, now would be a good time to pick up the phone, or write a short note, opening the door for further communication. — Dr Jennifer Roback Morse
We
at the Ruth Institute have created a few sample letters to get you started. We know that our letters
don’t apply to every situation. But for those who are in these situations, please adapt our letters to
your own situation.
Approaching an estranged family member can be scary. They might reject
you. They might get mad at you. They might tell you to go away. On the other hand, you may enjoy imagining
what they are really like and what it might be like to have a relationship with them. You might not want
to give up that fantasy.
But if you are tired of fantasizing, now is a fine time to try for a real reconciliation. You can do your part to reach out, and then let go of the outcome. You can’t control what they do or say. But at least you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you extended yourself, made the effort, and took a constructive step.
I would suggest you avoid assigning blame, no matter how tempting it may
be. Avoid self-pity, however sad you may feel. Avoid offering anything that might be construed as an
excuse: if you are able to establish contact and build a relationship, there will be time later for legitimate
explanations. For now, your goal is not to make yourself understood. Your goal is to 
establish contact.
There will be time for building understanding.
No matter what has happened in the past, you have the rest
of your life ahead of you. Make amends, if amends are owed. Reach out if you can. There is no better
time to take the first steps toward reconciliation.
May God bless your efforts,
Your friend, Dr Morse
