Last week on the Ask a Survivor blog, I talked about some of the do’s and don’ts of helping and supporting survivors of sexual abuse. You can read that post HERE. This week, I want to add to that discussion a bit more and talk about some of the do’s and don’ts specific to helping and supporting survivors of clerical abuse.
The sex abuse scandal plaguing the Catholic Church is clearly not going away any time soon. As Dr. Jennifer Roback Morse says in a recent article for the National Catholic Register, it is understandable that after all this time a lot of people want to be done with the topic. “Clergy sexual abuse is embarrassing. The harms to children are revolting. The spiritual cost is overwhelming…the Church has made some improvements, but we are not out of the woods…we will get there when we get there.” When there has been so much silence and deception for so long, it’s going to take a lot of time for all the rotten stuff to be aired out. Corrupt church leaders and members want nothing more than to see this issue get put onto the back burner, and so pressure should continue to be put onto church leaders. Information needs to continue to come out and perpetrators (and those who covered for them) must continue to be held accountable.
Apart from holding perpetrators accountable, the number one concern should always be caring for the survivors (or supporting victims of clerical abuse). Yes, the entire church has been hurt by the scandal but victims bear the brunt of the pain. Everyone should aim to provide them with good, solid support systems that include family, friends, and the community. Living inside a cave might seem easier than facing the realities of clerical abuse or any kind of abuse but, when we ignore reality, we risk bringing further hurt to those who have been hurt. Let’s face it, we also pave the way for creating more victims. After all, if they don’t feel supported or are made to feel like a “problem,” fewer will come forward out of fear of the negative responses from the people around them.
Here is what supporting victims of clerical abuse means. All survivors (regardless of who the perpetrator was) deserve:
- To be believed and supported, not just by family and friends, but by their parish communities
- To NEVER be ostracized for being brave enough to tell the truth (even if the predator is a well-liked individual and news of their actions comes as a complete shock)
- To be thanked for coming forward
- To be informed of their options and to be honestly told what will happen if they choose to take a particular route
- To be given whatever support they need in order to move forward and embark on the healing process
- To be protected and honestly reassured that everything will be done to keep them safe
- To be given a safe, supportive place to heal in (whether that is within the church community or outside it)
- To be listened to without judgment or fear of any kind of retribution
For someone supporting victims of clerical abuse, they might find that abuse by a religious figure presents some unique challenges and requires some slightly different and/or additional approaches when it comes to offering compassion and support.
From an early age, most children have been taught to look up to people in positions of authority (police officers, firefighters, priests, nuns, teachers, etc.). When an authority figure takes advantage of their role in order to control and manipulate their victim, the results are devastating. In the case of clerical abuse, a victim is not only hurt physically and emotionally but also spiritually. A victim’s faith, something that is often central to a person’s life from the very beginning, is often manipulated by the predator priest. Priests (like any religious leader) are seen as being closer to God and, during certain sacraments, act in the place of Jesus Christ here on earth. They are “supposed” to set an example of moral and ethical behavior and offer wisdom and guidance. Clergy are the very people who we should be able to turn to in times of need and yet, when trust has been betrayed in such a big way such as in sexual abuse, survivors may view (not only other priests and religious) but their faith as a whole in a very negative way. Faith can be a powerful healing tool for any survivor, but when a priest uses that faith to gain power and control, it might become one less tool for the survivor to use because it becomes a trigger. Some abusers have even brought God into the abuse and, as a result, the victim feels that they can’t lean on God. God becomes synonymous with the predator since the priest stands in his place.
If you find yourself caring for someone who has been abused by a priest, what can you do to help them? In addition to the dos and don’ts that I mentioned in last weeks blog post (as well as the bulleted points above), here are some additional considerations and suggestions to keep in mind when supporting victims of clerical abuse:
DON’T say “I’ve known Fr. So-and-So for years! He would never do that!” Admittedly, it can be a shock to realize that a trusted individual is not the wonderful person you thought they were. Humble yourself to admit that maybe you were wrong. Here’s some advice: avoid the temptation to place anyone on a pedestal and place your faith in God alone. After all, sometimes humans fail and disappoint.
DO say things like “I’m so sorry that happened to you,” and “I believe you.”
DON’T push the idea of forgiveness. If you are ready to forgive, then go ahead and do it but forgiveness is not something that can be forced.
DON’T push the survivor to continue attending church, especially the same church where the abuse occurred, and don’t push the sacraments on them (especially that of confession). Everyone experiences trauma differently and everyone heals differently. One individual may be able to continue attending Mass and receiving the sacraments while others find it to be too triggering. Until those triggers can be addressed and worked on (and, again, this is different for everyone), just being in the presence of a church could cause severe emotional distress and therefore become detrimental to a survivor’s health and healing.
DO give the survivor time and space to determine if and when they are ready to return to church. If you are a person of faith, go to church on your own. Even if going to Mass, receiving the sacraments such as confession, and participating in any church events may not be helpful for the survivor at this time, that can be a wonderful support for you! If you are in “peak fitness” as far as your spiritual life goes, then you will be better able to support others.
DON’T force prayer. Predators use a victim’s faith to “get to them.” They might be praying with their victim one minute and abusing them the next or being doing both at the same time. Prayer could therefore be a possible trigger for a survivor.
DO pray on your own for the survivor and for the grace to help them and deal with it yourself. Keep in mind that there is a world of a difference between gently offering an option such as, “Would you like me to pray with you?”) versus a demand (“We are going to pray together”). If you ask a survivor if he or she would like to pray with you, respect their decision if they say, “No.”
DON’T try to cover for the Catholic Church. Let’s face it, leaders have messed up. They messed up big time! Are there still good, holy priests around? Certainly there are! However, a survivor doesn’t need to hear about that right away. Accept the fact that he or she may find mention of all priests (or of anything or anyone concerning the Catholic Church) triggering at least for awhile. Triggers vary from one survivor to the next.
DO say things like, “I’m so sorry you were hurt like this!” Admit that the people in charge have messed up. Reassure them that what happened to them was wrong and that anyone who covered up (if that be the case) was wrong. If it feels good and reassuring to remind yourself that not all priests are bad, then do that privately for yourself.
DON’T bring up the issue of false allegations. Do they happen? Sure they do. You should not, however, assume that everyone who comes forward is lying. As a matter of fact, most individuals who come forward are indeed telling the truth! Talking about false allegations to someone who is trying to come to terms with the unspeakable things done to them is a bad, bad idea. It’s cruel and can be so detrimental to the healing process.
DO reassure the individual that you will do what you can to help them heal.
DO offer to speak with the diocese and/or the church where the abuse occurred.
DO offer to help the survivor speak with law enforcement if they wish to go that route.
DO offer to help the survivor find a good, reputable therapist. There are resources available for finding Catholic or faith-based therapists available online if that is their preference.
DON’T insist that a survivor meet with a priest or anyone from within the church. They have been hurt and betrayed by someone from a place they were “supposed” to be able to trust. You cannot expect them to “get over” that fact. As mentioned before, priests and more or less anyone and anything related to the priesthood and the Catholic Church could be a potential trigger for a survivor.
DO Give them their time to process, to work through their triggers, and to heal. Leave any decisions about speaking to priests or other church leaders up to the survivor. I know I’m repeating myself but this is so important to remember: all survivors respond differently and they all heal differently. A support system needs to help them survivors safely do whatever is best for them as the unique individuals that they are.
The goal of all Catholics in supporting victims of clerical abuse, should be to respond with compassion to all survivors of clergy abuse and to do so without adding to already existing wounds. It’s time to admit that many members of the Catholic Church have not always responded as they should have. Even years after the scandal came into the open, cover-up still continues. The lack of love, empathy, and support on the part of some Catholics does nothing to help this situation and only serves to push survivors and anyone who may be struggling further away. It also creates further division. We are the Body of Christ and when one of us hurts we all hurt. As the hands and feet of Christ, may we all consider how Jesus Himself would respond and then strive to respond accordingly to the best of our abilities.
Do you have a question about victimization and/or healing? Email me at AskASurvivor@ruthinstitute.org. Your name and personal information will never be used in my public responses.
