A superstition is something we believe in spite of the evidence, because we like the way it makes us feel. For example: “I can solve all my problems if
I could just divorce my spouse, and try again to find the Perfect Soulmate.” Do you remember the movie, Four Christmases, the Reese Witherspoon, Vince
Vaughn Christmas movie from 2008? The premise of this movie is that Reese and Vince have 4 Christmases: one with each one of their divorced and remarried
parents. I wrote a column about this film when
it came out.
Popular culture has a way of reflecting the anxieties and ambiguities of our age, sometimes without quite meaning to. Christmas 2008’s bit of holiday eye
candy, Four Christmases, illustrates the anxiety around insecure relationships, across the generations. The title comes from the
visits that a happily unmarried yuppie couple must make to their two sets of divorced parents. But the movie could be called The Superstitions of Divorce.
It strips away the lies we tell ourselves to justify our rejection of one another….Not a one of these first three parents has learned a thing from their divorces. Boyfriend and Girlfriend are not deceived by their parents’ efforts
to absolve themselves: They still have the same problems and crazy behavior. The new love interest doesn’t solve their problems.
Another superstition: “The kids will be fine as long as their parents are happy. Kids are resilient.” Social science can now tell us for certain that this
is untrue, as can millions of children of divorce who are now old enough to speak for
themselves. A young couple I know shared with me how two sets of divorced parents make the holidays a trying time. Instead of a quiet relaxing holiday,
Christmas becomes a nightmare on the Southern California freeways. Instead of having to visit both the “parents” and the “in-laws,” to keep either
side of the family from feeling slighted, they have to visit two sets of each, sometime in the window between 4 PM Christmas Eve and the end of
Christmas Day. This young couple spends many hours in the car, with pre-school children, in order to keep their parents happy. Here is another
belief we hold in spite of the evidence, because we like the way it makes us feel: “I want a divorce. My spouse does not. But she/he will bounce back
and be fine with it. And even if they aren’t, their happiness is not ultimately my responsibility.” I hope the Children of Divorce and the Reluctantly
Divorced will take heart from knowing that the Ruth Institute is taking a stand against this inhuman cultural script we are currently living with.
Our society is still hell-bent on maintaining the superstitions of divorce. It is time that those of us who know better, begin to speak out, (though
I do not necessarily recommend Christmas Day as the best day on which to start!)
If this post is helpful and meaningful to you, please consider a gift to the Ruth Institute. Join our #RecipeForPeace campaign. And please enjoy a low stress, very Merry Christmas!
