By Faith Hakesley
As a survivor of sexual abuse, my heart holds a special place for my fellow survivors. I hope this little Advice from a Survivor blog can offer a small bit of support. Every time I click the “publish” button, my prayer is that God speaks to you through my writing. No matter what you have been through, I want you to know that you are not alone. God is with you, I am here for you, and there is always hope!
Whenever a survivor of sexual abuse shares their story with me, I have a desire to “break off” a small piece of my own healing and give it to them. If only healing were so simple! Victims have to be willing to do the work that it takes to heal. Unfortunately, not every victim has the support they deserve. When someone’s abuse happens within a setting such as a church, the community’s reaction can make a big difference in how the victim(s) heal. When abuse is swept under the rug and victims are not supported, the results can be dire.
Recently, someone asked me how he could support survivors of sexual abuse in his own church community. Sadly, a trusted and well-liked church leader had groomed and abused several women. This is such a great question! First, I applaud the individuals in communities (churches and otherwise) who put in the efforts to better support victims and to educate their communities about victimization and sexual abuse. You really do make a difference in, not only helping to prevent abuse, but helping victims to heal better!
I have offered some practical tips for supporting victims in the past. This week I want to focus on some ways for churches to show public support to survivors. Many of the ideas could easily be adapted for use by other institutions/organizations (schools, businesses, etc.) as well.
The Example of Leaders
The question that needs to be asked when abuse survivors come forward is, “What do victims need?” Simply put, victims need to feel seen, believed, and supported. When the perpetrator and victim are part of a community, this all starts with the example set by the leaders.
When sexual harassment and assault occur in the context of an institution – a school, a church, the workplace – the behavior of institutional leaders can become a powerful force in how victim fare. If the leaders fail to set a good example regarding treatment of victims, the rest of the community will likely follow suit. That being said, victims bear the brunt of the pain. However, entire communities do experience pain when a trusted individual betrays their trust. It’s important for the entire community to come together to help one another and the victims.
With that in mind, what can a community do to help victims? Speaking as a survivor, here are some of my ideas:
- Leaders and community members should comply with all criminal laws/codes. This should go without saying but sexual abuse is a crime and should be dealt with as such. If you have information about a possible perpetrator, report it.
- Most churches already have safety policies in place. Review and update them as necessary. Ask for the victims’ input if they are willing to be involved.
- Hold up whistleblowers in esteem. Without using names, thank victims for coming forward. Tell them how brave they are!
- Educate leadership and the community. Leaders should especially be familiar with what constitutes sexual assault, the grooming process, etc.
- Provide resources. This goes hand in hand with educating the community. Consider inviting professionals in to give talks and trainings. By professions I mean people who specialize in sexual assault such as detectives, advocates, psychologists, etc. For example, the Archdiocese of Boston actually has a team from the Office of Victim Support and Outreach that goes to different churches in order to bring awareness and education about sexual assault to church communities. The team consists of a mental health expert, clerical abuse survivors, and other professionals who specialize in victimization. You might consider having things such as pamphlets and books about sexual abuse available. Having the names of professionals in the area who specialize in trauma can also be helpful. Members of the community should be given information about who to talk to with questions and concerns.
- Be transparent. Just be honest. Don’t hide the numbers or the facts. Don’t make excuses.
- Publish a statement of support. Publicly condone the perpetrator’s actions and thank the victims for their bravery in coming forward. Saying things such as, “We believe you and support you,” can go a long way. Statements such as, “If you were a victim, it wasn’t your fault,” not only validate survivors but help to reduce shame and blame.
- Host public events in support of survivors. For example, I know of Catholic Churches that have hosted Holy Hours and Rosaries for clerical abuse survivors. Host an event such as a prayer service, Mass, Holy Hour, or retreat. Dedicate it to praying for survivors. Even if the survivors choose not to be present, such an event sends a very clear message. It says, “We believe you. We support you.” This sends a message to the community at large, making it clear that the church stands with the survivors.
A Unified Front
Sexual abuse first and foremost affects the victims, but it also affects communities. Predators are experts at grooming the entire community. This makes it difficult for some people to believe that the individual could ever be capable of such evil actions. Situations such as these are always gut-wrenching for everyone involved especially when the predator is a trusted leader or member of a congregation. Getting everyone in a community on the same page can be difficult. Leaders should do their best to set a good example by uniting to support survivors.
For victims, it can be difficult trying to remain in a church (or whatever community in question). They often fear that people will not believe them and blame them. As much as possible, everyone needs to be on the same page when it comes to accepting what has happened. Everyone needs to come together as much as possible to support one another.
Our church communities become our spiritual families. A betrayal by someone within that spiritual family can be particularly devastating. If a community is able to come together to deal with sexual abuse, the victims will likely feel more understood and supported.
Always remember that the blame lies with the perpetrator not the victims!
There are lots of great books available that could be used in a group setting to help victims and anyone who is hurting walk through their pain. My own book (Glimmers of Grace) might serve as a helpful resource. I know of several churches that have used it in a group setting.
Is there anything else you would add to my recommended list? Please share in the comments below or email me at AskASurvivor@RuthInstitute.org!
