Sometimes we all need to be reminded to reclaim childlike joy. Last weekend I was reminded of this as a result of a breakthrough “aha” moment. In a spontaneous moment of carefree fun with my family, I found myself dancing for joy for the first time in a long time.
I have never been much of a dancer. As a musician, I love music and I do have rhythm. However, I’m not well-coordinated. That being said, I loved to dance as a little girl.
That changed when I was 15 years old. Predators have a way of taking as much control as they can from their victims. As if enough hadn’t been taken from me already, my rapist even took the simple pleasures I had once enjoyed and made them feel shameful and dirty. At times, he used dance and music as part of the abuse. This was crushing for me as I loved both dancing and music.
Accepting joy can be difficult for abuse victims.
Even before the abuse began, I was already an awkward teenager. Once the abuse started, I become lost in a dark world of sadness, shame, confusion, and anger. Sexual abuse does that to you. In many ways, you grow up faster than you ever thought possible. The beauty of life gradually fades and all too soon the joy is sucked out of you. This may surprise some people, but feeling joy becomes difficult, not only because your world has been turned upside down and you feel there is little to be joyful about, but because you no longer feel worthy of joy. Feeling joy again (and accepting it) takes time. Even years later, you might realize that you are still blocking joy out of some areas of your life.
Deep down, I have had a hard time dancing ever since I was abused. I have danced at weddings (including my own) since that time, but I have to admit that it’s always been with hesitation and a slightly heavy heart. I’m “that” person who would rather sit and watch everyone else get up and dance at a wedding rather than do it myself. Quite frankly, this is something I never thought to work through.
My children love to dance. They are carefree and full of joy and innocence – as children should be. We frequently crank up some music and have family dance parties. It inevitably brings on a case of the giggles for all of us. However, I have to admit that I would much rather watch everyone else have fun than actually dance myself.
This past weekend, as my husband turned on some music, our rambunctious toddler, Christopher, ran towards me with his arms outstretched. He tripped and fell, and sobs commenced. I quickly scooped Christopher up, soothed him, and started dancing to distract him from his “boo boos.”
As I swung my now-smiling and giggling little guy around, I marveled at his innocence and pure joy. I was unexpectedly struck by the realization that the innocent, childlike joy I used to enjoy while dancing had been taken from me long ago. I had been equating dancing with the betrayal, hurt, and shame I had suffered at the hands of my rapist. It hadn’t ever really hit me until that moment. I was struck by how something so seemingly miniscule in comparison to the spiritual, physical, and emotional abuse I had suffered could mean so much to me.
Reclaim your joy!
Though I have danced with my children hundreds of times, their smiles and laughter hit me differently this time. I was hit with the harsh reality that all too soon far too many children are being forced to grow up and lose their innocence. More and more, we are seeing kids not being allowed to just be kids. Much of this is a result of the sexual revolution. Childhoods are being ripped away. I was reminded that, as an adult, I needed to reclaim the joy that I had lost. I needed to welcome it in. Dancing isn’t exactly a requirement for life, but it is one way to experience and show joy. It can be a very beautiful and heartfelt form of expression for some people. I chose to take that form of expression back.
Dancing for joy might seem like a small thing for some, but it was a breakthrough moment for me. It was one of life’s incredibly raw moments when you are hit simultaneously with the realization of things lost, by how far you’ve come, and also by what you have gained in the process. As I spun around with our children to the upbeat 50’s tunes, I thanked God for giving me the grace to let go of the shame I had been equating with dancing. I thanked him for the grace of being able to embrace JOY. For the first time in 20+ years, I was truly dancing for joy.
Even years later, unexpected breakthroughs can happen. You might find yourself getting something back that you never realized you lost. Something so simple and so innocent as dancing can be a glimmer of God’s grace, urging us forward and reminding us to live in gratitude and with joy. Adults have a responsibility to protect children and to allow them to be carefree and to experience childlike joy. It passes all too quickly in today’s world! Unfortunately, as I experienced so long ago, it sometimes happens much sooner than a child is prepared for.
Despite our circumstances, we can always reclaim our joy. So often we are challenged to be joyful even amid the challenges and suffering we face. We need joy especially in this day and age where there is so much darkness and confusion. Joy is what allows us to experience peace even in the midst of suffering. By our own joy, we can also set a good example for our little ones who will all too soon face the harsh realities of this world.
You are worthy of joy!
This week I want to motivate you to embrace joy. Ask God to give you this tremendous gift. Hey, you might want to give dancing for joy a try! Crank up the music and dance your heart out! And always remember that you are worthy of joy.
