“I’m fine.”
How often do we say those two little words? How often do we actually mean them? I can recall many situations in which people have asked, “How are you?” and the response in my head has been much different than what I have actually said out loud. Over the years, I’ve gotten really good at responding with, “I’m doing okay,” or “I’m taking things one day at a time.” I am sure many of you can relate. We answer courteously in a way that is socially appropriate, smile, and move on. Meanwhile, we are screaming, “I am not fine!” on the inside.
I think that we all go through this at one time or another especially if we are trying to function as normally as possible in society. After all, as we grow, we learn that some outward responses are not socially appropriate in certain places and situations. For example, if a friendly salesperson asks how my day is going, I can’t exactly start crying and screaming about all my problems in the middle of the store even though that would match my internal response. The poor salesperson might be a bit alarmed and they might call security.
For some people navigating through trauma and grief, this outward denial of what we are actually feeling can be a struggle. We say we are fine and “fake it until we make it.” On the inside, though, we aren’t fine and sometimes we have to stop ourselves from sharing exactly how we are doing when someone asks. Finding a good balance is tough and takes time and practice.
I want you to know that it really is okay if you’re not “fine.” Maybe on the outside you look fine. To the outside world, you might come across as confident, courageous, and patient. You might be seen as a person who is strong, who has a strong faith, and who embraces life and its crosses. In short, you might be a person who appears to have it together.
Here’s what the outside world might not see:
They don’t see your internal conflicts. No one sees the awful memories and the nightmares that plague your sleep, keeping you awake at night. They don’t see your frustration and impatience. They don’t see how lonely you feel as you try to navigate the emotions of grief. No one sees how weak you feel. You desire to feel loved unconditionally, but few people know that accepting love is difficult for you.
No one sees your doubts, fears, worries, and anxieties. Few people see the effort you have to make each and every day just to function “normally.” No one sees how physically and emotionally drained you are. They don’t realize that you are tired of being brave and strong. As a matter of fact, you might be really tired of hearing that from the people who know your story. You know they mean well.
Sometimes you just get so tired of having to appear smiling, strong, and brave on the outside when all you can think is, “I am not fine.”
Maybe you have had lots of practice learning how to hide your pain, and so no one sees the physical, mental, and spiritual torment you suffer. Don’t most of us let the world see what we want it to see? This is necessary so we can function in society. There is an appropriate time and place for dealing with our emotions. However, just because you have to hide your struggles from the world doesn’t mean that you are “fine.” And that’s okay!
The “faking it until you make it” gets draining sometimes, doesn’t it?
In many ways, grief is a mystery. It doesn’t happen the same way or in the same timeframe for everyone. You have to allow it to unfold. Healing takes time, effort, and a whole lot of patience. The good news is that even if you can’t be totally honest with the outside world, you can be totally honest with God.
God is a healer, and He desires to help you heal. He sees you exactly as you are, and He loves you as you are. He holds you, cries with you, and feels pain for pain with you. When you feel weak, it is God’s strength that keeps you going. You don’t have to be “fine” with God.
This week I want to motivate you to work on accepting that sometimes you won’t be “fine.” Sometimes, your outside demeanor and appearance aren’t going to match up with what’s going on inside. This is a normal part of being human and also an important part of learning to navigate trauma and grief. I am not suggesting that you live life forever suppressing your emotions. No matter what we have been through, addressing our traumas is important. However, there is a time and place for everything. We all need to come to the realization that, by the grace of God, we will survive, and we can learn to deal with our emotions in a healthy, appropriate way.
I know how hard it is to look outward instead of inward. Putting on a happy face and putting one foot in front of the other (despite our suffering) is hard. Never forget that, even when you are “faking it until you make it” to the rest of the world, you can be completely real with God. Relinquish everything into His loving hands. Allow God to embrace you as you are even when you don’t feel fine. Rest assured; He is going to help you heal!
It really is okay if you’re not “fine” right now.
