Does the sexual abuse scandal have to be on everyone’s minds and lips every moment of everyday? Of course not. However, it is too easily ignored and thrown on the backburner. Too many priests, bishops, and lay people have forgotten what it means to be the hands and feet of Christ here on earth.
Several weeks ago, I wrote a blog post concerning the Synod on Synodality. I was asked to participate in a meeting on a local level concerning the church’s response to the scandal and how the church can better respond to and reach out to survivors. This week I want to share a bit about that meeting that took place several weeks ago. I also want to offer some ways that you can help and share your voice.
There were seven people present, including me. Six of us were survivors of clerical abuse, two women from the Boston Archdiocese Office of Pastoral Support and Outreach were also present, as well as Bishop Robert Reed. Bishop Reed is an auxiliary bishop of the Archdiocese of Boston and the president of the television network Catholic TV.
Going into this meeting, I knew that it would be painful, but I have to admit that I was a bit taken aback by the amount of pain in that room. From the moment the bishop led us in an opening prayer, the emotion was intense and overwhelming at times. But it was a pain that immediately bound us together even before any words had been spoken. That room was also full of resilience, determination, and hope.
None of us had ever met before nor did we know anything about one another’s personal lives. Yet, we were all connected. No matter our age differences, who our abusers were, or when the abuse took place, we could relate to one another on a very unique level. This level is one on which even some of the people closest to us can’t relate to. It feels a little strange to feel instantly connected to another human being because of shared pain.
We discussed a lot of issues over the course of one and a half hours, but one of the issues that kept coming up was that clerical abuse survivors often feel cast aside. First and foremost, our stories make people uncomfortable. We especially make our fellow Catholics uncomfortable, priests and lay people alike. Granted, sexual anger is an awkward discussion. It should be uncomfortable! However, the normal discomfort that so many people feel is often taken out on survivors. Ignoring the realities of the tremendous pain that has been inflicted upon survivors is easier than acknowledging and addressing the pain. Let’s face it, no one wants to feel uncomfortable.
Survivors are searching for assistance and protection. The fact of the matter is our boldness and willingness to tell the truth is often met with annoyance, coldness, and disbelief. We are made to feel as if we are the cause for division within the Church. This is a further betrayal for us.
The faith of clerical abuse survivors has been horribly exploited by our abusers. Our churches are supposed to serve as places of worship and community but also as safe places for our spiritual growth. Our communities have sometimes turned against us rather than the perpetrator – more betrayal.
The majority of Catholics who have not been abused by a priest or other church official don’t know what it’s like to be physically unable to enter a church. Most Catholics don’t know what it’s like to literally feel sick at the sight of the priestly white collar. People don’t understand how even certain prayers can be causes of torment for us since they were used as part of the abuse or simply because we felt so abandoned by God during the abuse. In a place that should bring comfort and healing, triggers are everywhere. Our churches should be our homes but instead they become places of torment. The lack of acceptance from our fellow Catholics only adds to the torment. Survivors are left wondering, “Where do I fit in?” We feel like outcasts, like lepers.
There are many issues plaguing the Catholic Church, but the scandal is one of those topics that is so often put on the backburner. The issue is brought up when it’s most convenient or when it becomes a hot topic in the media again. Otherwise, it’s easier to ignore survivors and this huge issue staring us right in the face.
Not to turn this into some sort of competition but there are other groups who have become more talked about and more welcomed than survivors – migrants, the environment, and LGBTQ groups for example. I am in no way trying to take away from the struggles they face or the importance of bringing Christ to all. However, let’s look at migrants for example. The pope is a steadfast supporter of migrants and speaks often of how we need to welcome, embrace, and provide for them. What about abuse survivors? Maybe we clerical abuse survivors need to come across some sort of border and start labeling ourselves as refugees – refugees who are hungry for justice and for spiritual balm, seeking the much-needed shelter of our spiritual homes that have been so cruelly ripped away from us.
Survivors have done nothing wrong. It is not our sin that weighs us down and screams for acceptance, understanding, compassion, and empathy. It is because of the sins of others that we have been hurt! Yet we are the ones cast aside. Our stories are ignored while the stories of (for example) LGBTQ Catholics are in many cases raised onto pedestals. To be clear, I’m not talking about individuals who are trying to uphold church teaching despite grappling with temptation. We are all sinners. The church is a field hospital for all of us. I’m talking about the individuals who want to build a bridge that erases any sense of guilt or responsibility for their sin.
One survivor in the room made a rather bold statement but it mirrored my own thoughts and I think it sums up the current state of things best.
“Homosexuals have more of a voice in the church today than survivors.”
There’s some food for thought! It is indeed demoralizing to not feel accepted for what someone has done to you. It is even more disheartening to know that the sinful lifestyles of many within the LGBTQ movement are being encouraged and accepted by some prominent Catholic figures. They truly do have more of a voice than survivors. We are all fighting to be heard but we are the ones who are silenced. Survivors are a marginalized group and conveniently easy to forget about.
Like it or not, the scandal is not over and done with. Imagining that it is a thing of the past certainly is easier than facing reality, isn’t it? The reality is that survivors live with the pain every single day of their lives. It will always be a part of us. The day may come for some of us when we can talk through a church door again, but healing is different for every one of us. I, for example, may be able to push myself through that door but, for various reasons, not everyone has that ability. We can’t compare one survivor to another.
Despite the fact that we are largely ignored, we are still resilient. The Synod meeting I attended spoke to that. Even amid the pain, there was so much hope and resilience in that room. Despite our own unique struggles, we are working hard every single day of our lives. We are fighting to move forward, trying to help others, and fighting to bring awareness to the issues. Most of all, we are trying our best to cling to our faith and to find ways to live with the pain but not live in it. This is no easy task!
We are resilient. We are compassionate. We are empathetic. We are understanding. In our own ways, survivors are helping to set the world on fire with truth and resilience.
But we survivors are also angry.
There has been a lot of talk over the years and some action, but we still aren’t where we need to be. Much more needs to be done. What can the Catholic Church do as a whole? What can you do? There are no easy, quick solutions. However, the solutions need to start at a local level and work their way up from there. The hierarchy has proven to be fairly ineffective at providing actual support for survivors.
Here are just some of the ideas that the group came up with for local parish communities to help:
Prayer: more prayer for survivors. For example, more churches need to offer regular prayer meetings, Rosaries, masses, etc. offered for survivors. My own parish, for example, recently held a Rosary for the protection of children. More churches should be doing things like this on a regular basis. Also, praying for the good, holy priests and for our parish communities is important too. Survivors bear the brunt of the pain from the abuse scandal, but we aren’t the only ones who have been hurt. The church as a whole has been hurt.
Acceptance, acknowledgment, and encouragement for survivors: encourage survivors, accept them, and acknowledge their presence and their voices. Instead of pretending like the scandal is a thing of the past, allow for discussions. Understand that this is not over and done with. There are physical and emotional scars that have yet to be healed. Some victims have yet to come forward. Survivors do have to do much of the work to heal, but the entire Church plays a part in the healing process. Don’t fall into the trap of saying, “This is your problem…deal with it.”
Make no mistake, this sex abuse scandal affects all of us. We all have a part to play in helping one another as brothers and sisters in Christ. Catholics needs to accept that they are sometimes going to feel uncomfortable. Quite frankly, following Christ isn’t about feeling comfortable. Sometimes it absolutely is uncomfortable! We need to accept the discomfort that comes with speaking about the scourge of clerical abuse.
Case in point: a few months ago, the archbishop of Boston asked that all parishes within the archdiocese acknowledge and talk about the scandal on one particular Sunday. To the best of my knowledge, it wasn’t an “order”, but it was certainly a strong recommendation. Most of the parishes attended by the survivors present at the Synod meeting completely ignored the cardinal’s request. This was so discouraging! One would think that all priests would realize the gravity of this situation especially after all these years.
Personally, I was grateful to my own parish’s pastor who did follow through with the cardinal’s request. After delicately talking about the scandal in his homily for a few minutes (it was, after all, a family mass), he knelt beside the deacon on the altar steps and led us in the recitation of the Rosary. While not every single clerical abuse survivor would have been touched by this gesture for their own reasons, I was deeply moved and humbled. Our pastor did something. He acknowledged it. He, like so many others, might feel helpless at times and probably wonders what he can do to help. In that moment, he did what he could do. He led us in prayer. And that was enough. For me personally, those 15 or 20 minutes meant more than all of the blabbering of bishops and others who sometimes seem to talk just for the sake of talking.
More Catholic-based resources for clerical abuse survivors: there is a lack of good, holy, Catholic resources for survivors. When these resources are lacking, victims are more likely to be won over by more or less anyone who gives them what they need. Victims are often in a vulnerable state especially when they first come forward. As a result, many survivors are preyed on by certain people and/or groups that either don’t accurately represent the Catholic Church (and yet claim to be “Catholic”) or by groups that go completely against the faith. If the “good guys” don’t do what they can to help survivors first, unfortunately the “bad guys” will. What do victims need? In a nutshell, we need to feel accepted, believed, and supported by our faith families. Unfortunately, support is not always given by “blood families” but the church can do better than that!
Retreats geared towards survivors could be helpful as well as support groups and parish ministries such as Stephen Ministries. Anyone organizing things such as these would need to be specially trained in trauma and have an understanding of what clerical abuse entails.
Education: as part of changing parts of the institution that has failed survivors, there needs to be more meaningful education provided to priests and lay people. There is a general lack of awareness about victimization, predators, the grooming process, the healing process, etc.
Protection: victims need to be better protected and more supported when they come forward. People need to understand the kind of intimidation tactics that can be used by perpetrators and their supporters in order to silence survivors. Religious communities as a whole need to commit to supporting survivors better.
Better leadership and catechesis: this applies to the Church as a whole and benefits survivors and non-survivors alike. However, it affects survivors in a very unique way. We have not only endured abuse but we are being revictimized all over again in a different way by poor leadership. It goes without saying that the leadership since news of the scandal broke over 20 years ago has not been great. Where is the transparency? Where are the solutions? Where is the justice? Why are bishops being elevated to the position of cardinal even when they have covered for predators or stood for things that go against the Catholic Church? These issues go all the way up to the Vatican.
There is also a severe lack of catechesis that comes, not only from the breakdown of the traditional family, but from a lack of leadership. Far too many Catholics don’t truly understand their faith and have a “cafeteria Catholic” type of viewpoint. They want to do things their way. This hurts survivors who are struggling to come back to church because they are met with mixed messages. To see the hurt and division so prevalent in the church can be discouraging to someone who left because of hurt and division in the first place.
There is little uniformity from parish to parish. For example, you can go to any of the Catholic churches in my town and find that the majority of parishioners feel differently on some of the big issues (homosexuality to name one example). That lack of unity within the Church on some major issues only leads to confusion and resentment. How can survivors regain their trust of priests if there is no consistency? For example, one bishop might say something is wrong while another practically promotes it. The lack of good, holy leadership hurts survivors in a unique way.
Speak up: priests and lay people (but especially church leaders) need to be bolder. Our church is suffering from a lack of rigidity on some issues – not too much rigidity. There is a lack of boldness and an overabundance of wanting to be accepted by the outside world. The church should change the world, not change with the world. Far too many leaders lack a solid backbone and unfortunately too many of them are conforming with modern-day progressivism and liberal ideals. Church leaders most likely recognize that they have lost much of their credibility due to the abuse scandal and subsequent cover-up. Now they seem to feel the need to tip-toe around certain hot button issues in order to “save face.” Oddly enough, some of these same leaders speak boldly when their stance happens to align with the outside world, particularly in regard to more “progressive” beliefs. Just look at Germany’s bishops to see what’s going on with boldness being put to bad use. Too much rigidity? I think not.
If you are feeling uncomfortable about the crisis, that is a perfectly normal feeling. Now imagine how survivors feel. Imagine our discomfort. Imagine the crosses we have carried and will continue to carry. Stop leaving us to fight this battle alone.
We have been courageous enough to bring real-life horror stories to the surface despite the threats, subsequent silence, and lack of transparency and justice. We need your help to break the silence. We need help to bring years and years of evil to the surface. We need help to eradicate it. Please stop trying to stop us from entering in because you feel uncomfortable about facing the facts.
Does the sexual abuse scandal have to be on everyone’s minds and lips every moment of everyday? Of course not. However, it is too easily ignored and thrown on the backburner. Too many priests, bishops, and lay people have forgotten what it means to be the hands and feet of Christ here on earth. Many individuals are caught up in the thinking that if they weren’t directly affected by the sexual abuse scandal, that they have nothing to do with it. They feel confident that they can go on their merry way and do their own thing. Yet, this affects all of us, survivors and non-survivors alike. This is a battle of epic proportions, and we all play a part in fighting the cancer that continues to sicken our church. The Synod on Synodality will be a total failure if all we hear is talk. There needs to be action taken as a result of talking.
To all of you survivors out there, keep persevering. With all my heart, I encourage you to keep going! You have a right to be heard. Keep on fighting. To my fellow Catholics who are doing what you can to support survivors and bring truth and boldness to the church, we need you!
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Awake Synod Sessions: Listen. Be Heard.
You have an opportunity to participate in an upcoming Synod Session hosted by Awake Milwaukee. Awake is hosting these sessions with a specific focus on lifting up the voices of abuse survivors and all who care about the issue of sexual abuse in the Catholic Church.
They are hosting two online sessions, one option on Thursday, June 9 at 7pm CDT and one on Sunday, June 12 at 6pm CDT. Over 60 people have registered so far, including 36 people who have experienced abuse in the Catholic Church. Feel free to join and to share your unique experience and perspective. You can find more information and register at www.awakemilwaukee.org/synod.
Do you have any suggestions for how the Church can better help survivors, how it can better address the sex abuse scandal, or do you have questions about trauma and/or healing? I would love to hear from you! Email me at AskASurvivor@RuthInstitute.org.
