When the Holidays are Difficult

Sometimes getting through the holidays is difficult. I’ve been there. I will never forget that first Christmas without my oldest brother following his death from a heart condition over 20 years ago. It was excruciatingly painful. Since then, the holidays have been bittersweet for my family and me. It’s a time when we feel our grief all the more keenly. The holidays can also be a time of year when other losses, painful experiences and relationships tend to surface.

Maybe you’re dealing with grief surrounding the death of a loved one, a broken family situation, a toxic or abusive family member, or bad memories of past holidays. Whatever the reason you are struggling, I want to offer you 10 suggestions for getting through the holidays when they are difficult.

1. As a person of faith my first recommendation is always to pray. Pray for the graces you need to get through whatever difficulties you’re up against.
2. Set realistic expectations. Don’t think that you have to be “merry and bright” all the time. That’s not reasonable. Remember that it’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to not be “in the holiday spirit” in the way the world expects us to be.
3. Focus on what the holiday is all about. For example, for Christians Christmas is about the birth of Jesus. Focus on the deeper meaning of the holiday(s) and try to stop stressing about the unrealistic Hallmark card vision that the secular world tries to sell us. 
4. When necessary, set boundaries. This is especially important if you are dealing with toxic or abusive relatives.  It’s ok to say “no” especially to anything that goes against your values.
5. Have a plan in place. If you’re going to be in situations where you might feel uncomfortable or feel in danger in any way prepare ahead of time. Have an escape plan if necessary. 
6. Create new traditions. As much as we might want to work things out with family and friends, for various reasons things don’t always go as hoped for. If reconciliation or bearing with a certain person just isn’t possible (or safe) consider creating new, safer, healthier traditions.
7. Focus on what you are grateful for. This might not be your favorite time of the year and that’s ok but do take some time each day to focus on the good in your life. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. Each breath you take is a gift. Start by focusing on the little things! 
8. Stay away from unhealthy activities. It can be all too easy to try to self-medicate with alcohol, food, drugs, and other unhealthy things. This leads us into #9.
9. Find some healthy outlets. What are the things you enjoy that you can easily do? You’re looking to redirect yourself from the negative activities previously mentioned. You can get creative with this! Take a negative behavior you might feel inclined to turn to and instead replace it with a good, positive one.
10. Get help if you need it. If you need additional support, please be sure to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, therapist, priest, pastor, rabbi, etc.

The holidays don’t have to be all bad.

Try not to fall into the trap of having an all or nothing approach to this time of year. Even small changes can make such a big difference. Always remember that God isn’t going to leave you just because you’re having a hard time. He’ll meet you where you are at and help you through whatever difficulties you’re facing. 

I am praying in a special way for those of you dealing with any kind of grief this holiday season. You are not alone. May Our Lord hold you close in his embrace and grant you comfort, peace, and healing.

Remember that there is always hope!

Do you have a question about victimization and/or healing? Email me at AskASurvivor@ruthinstitute.org. Your name and personal information will never be used in my public responses.