Recently, something happened that I wasn’t ready for when someone inadvertently mentioned to my son that I had been abused by a priest. Up until that moment, none of my children knew about my connection to trauma beyond the loss of my brother. They knew I help trauma victims, but they didn’t know I was one of them. They had no idea I had been raped by a priest.
I had always intended to share my story with them, especially since my work focuses on supporting survivors of sexual abuse. I knew they would find out eventually. Over the past couple of years, I’ve shared bits and pieces of my work, so they understood that Mama helps people. However, the timing to reveal my personal story never felt right. In hindsight, I’m not sure there’s ever an ideal moment. I was scared and felt unprepared, believing they weren’t ready to hear it either. But that moment was taken from me. The control over how and when I would share that part of my life slipped away. Yet, I trust that God’s hand was at work, preparing both my son and me for this moment.
My son is doing okay. He managed to connect many dots, particularly regarding my visit with Pope Benedict XVI and my relationship with other individuals within the Church. Now he understands why I chose to write a book and do interviews. However, it broke my heart to see the expression on my fourteen-year-old son’s face when I confirmed what he had heard. That pained look will forever haunt me. I knew I couldn’t take away his pain, but I felt it was important to speak honestly and gently. My explanation was simple, and I avoided going into too much detail.
I hope he came away from our conversation understanding that while people can hurt us deeply, our faith and relationship with God can endure. It’s not our faith that causes hurt. It’s people who hurt people. Most priests are good, and there are far more of them than there are bad ones. Above all, I wanted him to grasp the importance of hope in the healing process. Our faith in God is what makes us resilient and gives us strength to persevere through the toughest times.
I am no expert on how or when to tell your own children about something like this. It is a deeply personal thing, and I’ve only just begun it myself. I do know that it will most likely be an ongoing conversation, not just about my own experiences with trauma, but about trauma, abuse, safety, and the sad truth that there are people who do very bad things.
Some Suggestions
If you find yourself in a similar position, here are a few suggestions based on what I have learned from my own journey:
- Choose the Right Moment – If possible, have the conversation on your terms, when you feel prepared and when you think your child is mature enough to handle it. Unfortunately, I didn’t have that choice, but if you can, I do recommend waiting until both of you are ready. Fortunately, my son was a lot more resilient and ready than I gave him credit for. Praise God for that!
- Be Honest, but Age-Appropriate – When I spoke to my son, I kept it honest but simple. I did not discuss any details. It wasn’t necessary and I didn’t want to overwhelm him. You know your child best, and it’s important to gauge how much they can process.
- Focus on Hope and Healing – Make sure they understand that carries us forward even in the worst of times. I wanted my son to know that our faith is still strong, even after such a betrayal. A relationship with God gives us the strength to heal.
- Reassure Them – Kids need to know that, while bad things can and do happen, they are loved, protected, and safe. I reminded my son that not all people are bad, and that there are many good priests and leaders within the Church.
- Keep the Conversation Open – This isn’t going to be a one-time conversation. Your child may need time to process, and they might come back with more questions or need reassurance later on. Let them know they can talk to you anytime.
- Seek Support if Needed – If your child has a particularly time processing this information, don’t hesitate to reach out to a counselor or a trusted spiritual advisor. Your child’s well-being is important as is your own.
- Start the Conversation Early – Since our kids were young, my husband and I have talked about important topics like trust, abuse, and the imperfections of adults. We have been especially careful to include those in authority. We have tried to approach these discussions in age-appropriate ways. Highlighting our faith and its role in helping us stay resilient even in difficult times has been important. If you haven’t had the chance to discuss these topics gradually, and your child comes to you with questions, do your best to weave in these themes. Always keep the conversation open for future discussions.
- Involve Both Parents – Whenever possible, both parents should participate in the conversation. Both should reassure the child that they can turn to either parent for support. Although I was the one who initially spoke with my son, my husband later took him aside for a heartfelt father-son talk about abuse, respect, and their roles as leaders and protectors.
We Draw Strength from Our Faith
It has been challenging to share my experience of abuse with my son. However, I recognize that it opens the door to a much broader conversation about faith, resilience, and healing. That moment was undeniably heartbreaking, serving as a poignant reminder that abuse affects not just one person, but many. Yet, within that difficulty lies the valuable opportunity to demonstrate to him that, regardless of the challenges we encounter, we can draw strength from our faith. It’s in our darkest moments that we often discover the deepest reservoirs of hope and resilience. I hope to instill in him a belief that healing is possible and that we can emerge from our struggles stronger than before.
