When Someone You Love Is Hurting
When someone we care about is suffering especially after trauma, our hearts ache to make things better. We want to take away their pain, solve their problems, make them smile again, and help them feel safe. It’s a beautiful desire, one born of love and compassion, but trying to fix things is rarely helpful nor is it possible.
No matter how much you love someone, you can’t fix all their problems.
You’re not God.
This humbling truth can feel heavy at first, especially for those of us who like to help or “fix” things. The reality is that God doesn’t ask us to heal others. He asks us to love them, to pray for them, and to support them in the ways He calls us to. Only God can bring true peace, freedom, and healing to the human heart.
What I Needed Most in My Own Healing
I’ve learned this both as someone who’s received love and as someone who’s wanted desperately to help others heal. Years ago, when I was deep in the pain of trauma, I didn’t need anyone to fix me (though a quick fix certainly sounded appealing at the time). What I truly needed were people who stayed.
I needed those who would love me through the mess, the silence, the anger, and the tears.
The Steadfast Love of My Parents
My parents modeled this so beautifully, though it wasn’t easy for them. They had to learn how to support me in carrying my cross while carrying their own—the loss of my brother who passed away from a heart condition, the betrayal of the priest who hurt me, and the heartbreak of watching their child suffer.
They couldn’t erase my trauma or make everything “okay” again. I know they wished they could, but they did what mattered most. They were there. They remained a steady, loving presence.
My parents took the time to listen to me, they believed me and made sure our home was a place where I could fall apart without fear of judgment. Even on days when healing felt impossible, their steady love reminded me that I wasn’t alone. They became, much like Simon of Cyrene, the primary people helping me carry my cross.
“I Can’t Carry It for You, But I Can Carry You”
I am reminded of one of my favorite scenes from the movie The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. Frodo is exhausted. The burden of carrying the One Ring has become too great for him to bear. He is unable to love another step and collapses. His loyal friend Samwise Gamgee kneels beside him and says,
“I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you.”
Sam doesn’t remove the burden. He simply refuses to let his friend face it alone.
This is what true love and friendship look like. It’s not about taking away someone’s suffering but rather about walking with them through it.
Lessons from My Marriage
My husband, too, had to learn this in our early years of marriage. He wanted so deeply to make me whole again. A part of him felt it was his job to erase my sadness, the flashbacks, and the memories. Over time, he learned that his role wasn’t to fix me. It was to be with me and to take over the role my parents had held of being the primary person to help me carry my cross.
There have been many moments when my past pain surfaced unexpectedly. In those moments, his love was shown, not necessarily through solutions, but through presence. There have been moments when he has held me when I cried, prayed with me when I couldn’t find the words, and reminded me that I was loved.
His quiet patience, loyalty, and friendship have been some of the greatest instruments of healing in my life.
The Beauty That Rises from the Ashes
If anyone in my life had tried to “fix” everything for me, what good would that have done? As painful as certain chapters of my story have been, I can now see the beauty that has risen from the ashes.
I wouldn’t be who I am today, or have grown as I have, if not for learning to carry my crosses with help, love, support, and by the grace of God.
That’s the kind of love God calls us to offer one another: the kind that walks beside and not ahead. It’s the kind that trusts His timing more than our own.
Loving Others Through Their Pain
If you’re loving someone else through their pain, the reality is that you won’t always do it perfectly. None of us do. There will be times when you feel frustrated, helpless, or emotionally drained. That’s normal.
Helping someone carry their cross is hard. It’s okay to step back and rest and to take time for prayer and renewal before stepping forward again. Remember, caring for yourself isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
Motivation for the Week
This week, I want to encourage you to think about someone in your life who’s struggling.
Instead of asking, “How can I fix this?” try asking, “How can I love them right where they are?”
Pray for the grace to accompany them and not to control the situation. Ask for the grace to trust that God is always at work even in the places you can’t reach.
Sometimes the greatest act of love is simply walking beside someone in silence, lifting them up in prayer, and doing what you can to help them carry their cross. Sometimes all you can do is hold onto hope for them when they are struggling to hold it for themselves.
