Category: Ask a Survivor

This blog is a project of the Ruth Institute

When the Holidays are Difficult

Sometimes getting through the holidays is difficult. I’ve been there. I will never forget that first Christmas without my oldest brother following his death from a heart condition over 20 years ago. It was excruciatingly painful. Since then, the holidays have been bittersweet for my family and me. It’s a time when we feel our […]

<strong>Midweek Motivation: </strong>Fueling Your Body and Mind

Something I hear very often from many survivors is that they lack energy and stamina especially in the initial stages of dealing with a trauma. Having endured multiple traumas, I have felt this way many times. Through my own experience over the years, I have found that one way to help contend with trauma and […]

Gratitude in the Midst of Turmoil 

There are a lot of negative things happening in our world right now. We don’t have to look very far to find something. However, despite a lot of things not going the right way or the way we wish they would, it is still possible to focus on growing in gratitude while still fighting for […]

The Scars of Trauma

Does time really heal all wounds? I have been asked this question on several occasions, and my answer is no. While some wounds can and do get better with time, they often leave scars that serve as reminders of the past. We may not be constantly aware of these scars but, from time to time, […]

Midweek Motivation: To Share or Not to Share?

Awhile back I saw this quote somewhere, “Your suffering doesn’t have to be inspirational,” and it stuck with me. While others might interpret this differently, here’s how I see it: the lessons you learn, the changes you make, and the perseverance you show to get through hard times isn’t necessarily meant to be shared with everyone. […]

Victim to Victor: Recognizing and Addressing a Victim Mentality

I was recently asked why, even after years have passed following sexual abuse or some other trauma, some survivors perpetually behave and think like victims. There are different reasons behind what is known as a victim mentality but having a victim mentality usually starts as a coping mechanism. It can be exacerbated by a lack […]

Midweek Motivation: Developing Routines

Routines and patterns can be healthy and healing. Many survivors recovering from sexual abuse find them helpful. Developing routines are predictable and can help you feel more balanced and productive. Healing is a different journey for each survivor but, let’s face it, it can be a rough and precarious road to travel. We all need […]

Preparing to Report Sexual Abuse to Law Enforcement

What happens when a survivor reports abuse to law enforcement? What can one expect? While each police department may operate a little differently, I want to walk you through what to generally expect when preparing to report sexual abuse to law enforcement.

When Prayer Doesn’t Seem to Work

For a person of faith, prayer can be a powerful tool. However, there may be times when prayer doesn’t seem to work. This is especially true for people who have suffered abuse, particularly clerical abuse. I have spoken with many survivors who have prayed for inner peace, strength, and justice. Yet their prayer seems to […]

Stop Victim Blaming

Why do people oftentimes turn on abuse survivors, blaming them or not believing them? Why does victim blaming happen? One of the most common comments I hear from abuse survivors is that people turned on them when they came forward about past abuse. They have been blamed and even mocked for the abuse instead of […]

Midweek Motivation: The Positive Little Things

Those of you who follow me on social media are probably already aware that I gave birth to my husband’s and my fifth child at the end of July. Many people have pointed out that we have our hands full. We do. However, I also like to inform them that our hearts are even more […]

Nothing Left to Give: Coping with Survivor Burnout

I received this question from a reader: I know I am a survivor. As a 1980s teenager, I engaged in punk, drugs, and sex, but always felt there was something wrong. I have been married twice, have had an abortion, have a blended family, and now my eldest says he is transgender and hasn’t spoken […]

Midweek Motivation: Practicing Positive Self-talk

What we tell ourselves can hold a lot of power. Each of us carries around a set of untruths/lies. This is especially true when we have lived through a trauma such as sexual abuse. These untruths are things that we have come to believe about ourselves. However, they are not necessarily true. These untruths have […]

Fighting Against Progress: Fathers Leading the Family

I received this question from a reader: I am a father of three girls. I feel the need to take part in fighting against all the ‘progress’ being made to undermine Christian and otherwise traditional values, but I am overwhelmed in the face of the enormity of it. Any suggestions for how I can help? […]

Midweek Motivation: Embracing a Grateful Heart

Stop for a moment and reflect on what you are grateful for.  It’s easy to get caught up in all the bad stuff that’s happening in our lives and in the world around us.  Don’t misunderstand…it’s OK if you’re struggling! However, consider for a moment if you have become so hyper-focused on the negative that […]

Finding Freedom Through Forgiveness: Forgiving an Abuser

I received this question from a reader: what happens when you extend forgiveness to your abuser, but he/she refuses to accept responsibility for their actions and does not positively receive our forgiveness? Before answering this question, I want to try to clear up some of the confusion that often arises regarding forgiveness. Forgiveness is a […]

Midweek Motivation: Learning to Say No

Learning to say no is an important part of self-care and personal growth. Are you a “yes” person? Are you someone who wants to please everyone else? Do you frequently say yes to requests even when they conflict with your emotional, physical, and/or spiritual health? Do you constantly put everyone else before yourself thereby negatively […]

Choosing a Good Counselor

I received this question from a reader: How can I find a good counselor for my healing? Would I require a trauma counselor or just any counselor? Should they be specialized in sexual abuse? Do you recommend online counselling or in person?  Therapy. It’s something that makes some people squirm. Yet, choosing a good counselor and […]

Midweek Motivation: Asking for Help

Asking for help can be difficult for many of us. It can make us feel vulnerable and also make us feel as though we are a burden. This isn’t true. Today, I want to gently remind you that it is absolutely OK to ask for help. In a chapter on strength in my book, Glimmers […]

Relationships, Part 4: Marriage After Sexual Abuse

This is part four of my four-part blog series on relationships after sexual abuse. So far, I have addressed revictimization, forming healthy relationships after abuse, and pursuing someone with a traumatic past. This post will be discussing marriage after abuse, some of the challenges couples face, and how couples can work together to help one […]

Learn the Signs: Understanding the Grooming Process

One of the questions I get a lot in regard to sexual abuse cases is, “Why did the victim keep going back to his or her abuser?” The answer is grooming. Learning and understanding the warning signs of the grooming process is crucial in order to better protect ourselves and others from predators. The grooming […]

LIFE AFTER TRAUMA: Healing Doesn’t Mean No More Bad Days

by Faith Hakesley I recently received this message and question from a survivor of sexual abuse: I experienced tremendous trauma (including sexual abuse and bullying) while growing up and I have done everything I could to heal from it. I’ve gotten therapy, spiritual counseling, and done whatever work I needed to do in order to […]

Remembering the Victims of Clerical Sexual Abuse

by Faith Hakesley on September 17, 2019 Are you tired of hearing about the Catholic Church sexual abuse crisis yet? Speaking as a survivor of sexual abuse by a priest, I’m sure tired of it. Believe me, some days I just want to snap my fingers and make all of the chaos disappear! Each of […]

The Beauty in Our Scars

by Faith Hakesley Scars. We all have them. I think the first time I became truly aware of the impact of scars was the year I was diagnosed and treated for eye cancer (ocular melanoma) in my right eye. Several weeks after surgery and radiation, my eyelid became very itchy one day. I scratched at […]

My Love, My Cross, My Joy

Faith Hakesley shares the hardships she’s endured and overcome getting married with the weight of her childhood sexual abuse.

Finding Freedom Through Forgiveness

by Faith Hakesley Forgiveness is a tough topic for a lot of us. When someone hurts us, our human inclination can sometimes be to hold onto the resentment and bitterness and withhold forgiveness. Jesus asks just the opposite of us. However, this calling to forgive does not come without effort.  Forgiveness – particularly when we […]

Not Without Effort

This post by Faith Hakesley originally appeared Nov 8, 2020, at her blog, FaithHakesley.com. Some reflections about healing While healing IS possible, it is hard work.  Being authentic, courageous, and strong is hard work, requiring effort, hard work, time, and patience.  Some people will try to get you to believe that, if you just have […]