I was born into a dysfunctional loving family in August 1972 to a kind, loving, overly-attached mother, a disciplined, loving father who could also be distant and disconnected at times, and an indifferent brother. Mom was a nominal Catholic, and Dad was straddling the line between a disinterested agnostic and an angry atheist. There is a seven year age difference between my brother and me, and our relationship was more antagonistic than supportive.
I craved being the center of attention from an early age, which many people fed into. That caused problems in our family, particularly with my dad and brother. I felt that they were different from me, in part, because they didn’t focus on me. I felt more like Mom and the other women who fawned over me. This wasn’t something that was sexualized at this early stage, but that would soon change.
In first grade, I was introduced to the word gay. It was shouted at me by a boy in my class.That word, along with fag, queer, and the idea I was more like a girl than a boy, persistently followed me in school and at home by way of my brother. A couple years into this, I went to sexual education class and found out what the word gay meant: I wanted to have sex with males rather than females. This made no sense to me since I didn’t want to have sex with anyone at that age and was only attracted to girls.
Around age 10, I was exposed to porn, my brother was kicked out of the house because of drugs, Mom and Dad began having marital problems, and I began using gaming, entertainment, and fantasy as escapes. The anxiety, fear, and sadness brought on by the confusion over my identity and all these problems in my family were unbearable. All I could do was hide, so I did.
Through middle and high school, I began to use porn and masturbate regularly. My relationship with Dad fell apart, and Mom and I became attached in an unhealthy way. Straight porn led to gay porn. Several awkward attempts at having girlfriends failed. The drum beat of “you are gay” got louder, and I engaged compulsively in behavior that cemented this as a reality in my mind. By the end of high school, I accepted what I had been told: I was a gay man.
Right out of high school, I began drinking heavily and, after a while, started using marijuana heavily as well. My friends and I began going to straight clubs and then started going to gay clubs. In the gay clubs, I found relief from my anxiety over my confused identity. The men here accepted being gay and lived it as a lifestyle, so I did too.
As I lived this identity, dark things that used to repulse me now excited me: fights at the clubs, violent video games and music, and dark aggressive porn. The more weed I smoked, the more suspicious I became of friends and family, until all of my relationships fell apart, except for Mom and me.
As my isolation increased, Mom suggested I get a boyfriend. I rejected this and gave biblical reasons for doing so which surprised both of us since neither one of us was religious anymore. This became a springboard for Mom to return to the Catholic Church, and for her to gently, patiently begin to lead me out of the darkness of the life I was living.
I decided to start praying and reading scripture for five minutes each day before getting high. I knew my life was a mess and that I couldn’t fix it alone. Mom and I discussed Jesus regularly, and through therapy, my relationship with my brother and father began to improve. I decided that I could not be a moderate user of alcohol or marijuana, so I eliminated alcohol easily and then slowly worked towards eliminating marijuana.
I went away for a week so I wouldn’t have access to weed. After that, I never got high again, despite having been a pothead for at least 10 years. I knew this was not something I brought about, but something Jesus had done for me, and I wanted to serve Him in some way.
After about a year of sobriety, I came back to the Catholic Church. Around the same time, I was introduced to the Courage apostolate. Through them, I started building friendships with men–men pursuing holiness. I also became more comfortable with physical contact with men and began to trust them again.
I continued therapy, and my relationships with my family members improved. My mother and I are no longer attached in an unhealthy way. My father and I were able to reconcile before his recent death. My brother and I are able to support one another and show each other healthy love. I have many male friends. My life is focused on serving Christ and his Church. I still struggle with chastity and same sex attraction, but I no longer think of myself or identify as a gay person. My identity is a beloved son of God and nothing less.
About the Ruth Institute
The Ruth Institute is a global non-profit organization, leading an international interfaith coalition to defend the family and build a civilization of love.
Jennifer Roback Morse has a Ph.D. in economics and has taught at Yale and George Mason University. She is the author of The Sexual State and Love and Economics – It Takes a Family to Raise a Village.
To get more information or schedule an interview with Dr. Morse, contact media@ruthinstitute.org.
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