I recently discovered Dr. Morse’s YouTube channel and read the free e-book, Refuting the Top 5 Gay Myths. I now feel compelled to share my story. It may prove helpful to someone else.
I was born to a chronically depressed mother and an absentee, womanizing father. My mother exposed me to all sorts of sexually explicit and violent media from a young age. The advent of the internet when I was around 9 allowed my friends and I to look up pornographic materials late at night. My mind certainly could not process what my eyes were seeing, but another part of my body soon took over. My obsession with pornography continued for the next few years until I had the misfortune of meeting a serial abuser and date-rapist.
A young man in my school began showing me attention. I was fat, had a speech impediment, had long hair, and I was interested in comics and metal music. I was used to being alone, but suddenly getting attention felt nice. He frequently promised to get me around the girls I had crushes on, but would then proceed to sleep with them after hours of smoking and drinking. I was not yet partaking in the alcohol consumption, it initially made me uncomfortable. And this was all taking place amongst 13-year-olds.
I hated this guy, but I also envied him. But he then became my “dealer.” He started letting me watch the porn that he downloaded at his house. I could finally watch videos instead of just the pictures I was able to get with my slow internet connection at home. He then started feeding me booze. Group masturbation sessions later ensued, and then he came over to my place. He asked if I had ever watched “gay porn” so I went to a site that I had just visited. In truth, straight porn had ceased to work.
My need for porn to be wilder, more violent, more inappropriate grew like an addiction. I suggested the given site to which he replied, “I knew it.” I assured him that I wasn’t “gay” but after a liter of rum and several trips to my open window to vomit, I would have done anything. He then suggested that we orally pleasure each other. I obliged. I could not get enough. But apparently I was wrong, because I never spoke to him for many years after that. Although I continued compulsively masturbating and longing after girls my own age, the latter with no success.
After losing weight and cutting my hair, as well as curing my speech impediment, he reappeared when I was 17, 4 years after that fateful, drunken night. He began threatening to “out” me to the school. He used it to have more of me. After a tear-filled failed attempt, the previous sexual experience was reawakened. Like a drug addict, I could not stop myself. He continued to abuse me for several years. All the while I was sleeping with women and, occasionally, other men. I learned that sex was the “best” way to garner attention. The women I used allowed me to feel both physically pleased as well as emotionally wanted. While the men heightened my self-hatred which had become the prime mover of my sexual prowess.
Several attempts at “coming out” as gay led me nowhere but down. And all of the therapists I spoke to just cited what was in vogue at the time: “Sexual repression leads to untold psychological suffering.” But I was already suffering an untold amount. I viewed sex with other men as many heroin addicts view heroin. I didn’t want it, but part of me needed it. And the part of me that needed it was the part that hated my father.
My father was as unfaithful to my mother as one could be. I was raised hearing of his sexual escapades with countless women. I hated and envied him too. I was told that he missed birthdays, graduations, and even Christmas to be with his girlfriends. While I do not know the extent to which my bitter mother was exaggerating these claims, what was certain was that my father was nowhere to be found. When I was 16, my brother came out as “gay” and I watched as my father raged after my mother told him on a rare night he returned home. I loved seeing him in pain. I decided that I would do the same.
Coupled with a premature sexual experience with a member of the same sex, hatred for your father stokes the flames of the LGBT lifestyle like nothing else. I simultaneously longed for my father’s attention while hating him. Enter the LGBT movement: millions of men and women hating their fathers and doing everything in their power to disappoint them. But despite all my efforts, I did not disappoint my father. Flawed though he may be, he knew scripture. He always knew that God did not make anyone gay or straight. He created us in His image.
I am now married and attending church with my wife and I planning our first child. I survived the LGBT movement because I was able to make the connections that your e-book so succinctly highlights. If only I had read it in my teens, but I am glad that people are out there telling the TRUTH. I do not look at the twenty years of my life fraught with sexual sin as a waste however, for God always makes use of the sum of our experiences. I am happier, sounder of mind, and more at peace than I have ever been, and it all started when I made the break with the deadly, corrosive ideology known as the LGBT movement.
Thank you for your ministry!
No one is born gay!
