My story isn’t all that unusual. I was molested around the age of 5 or 6 by a family member, then by a friend of the family’s son. I was exposed to pornography by my father at age 8, followed by abuse, neglect, abandonment, and further molestation. Inner vows that severely stunted my ability to mature naturally also played a role in my development into the man I was becoming.
The trauma of molestation and sexual abuse produced an addiction to masturbation around the age of 5. This was the late 60s early 70s, and sexual experimentation seemed to be everywhere in those days.
So much had happened that by the age of 11 going on 12, fresh from being molested by a neighborhood man for a couple of years, I remember thinking, I must be gay since this keeps happening.
In my teens, I had come to accept that this was how life was, and I built my identity around it.
In my 18th year, I was working in the automotive department of a TG&Y, which was then like a mini Walmart. One night, a woman came in needing assistance. I felt compelled to boast to her about my homosexuality, which was not something I did regularly. She responded with great kindness, and, in a peaceable, gentle way, told me about the word of God.
It was there that a seed was planted. I had a sensation in my chest I couldn’t explain. I had told a friend that same summer that God was going to do something in my life, but I didn’t know what that would look like.
Then, on June 22, 1983, I asked Jesus to be my Lord and Savior. At the time, I was involved with a girl who was pregnant, possibly with my child. We didn’t know who the father was because, in homosexuality, there’s a mentality that makes room for any kind of sexual activity. The world would call it friends with benefits.
Two significant individuals in my life were pushing for my now-ex and me to marry. I was so naïve and never mentored into any aspect of adulthood. My parents were hands off, and at some point, my dad abandoned my mom and me. So when the voices loudest in my life were telling me I had to marry this woman, I did what I was told and married someone I wasn’t in love with nor attracted to but thought of as a good friend.
Since I had never dealt with my childhood sexual exploitation, when a man paid attention to me, I was immediately drawn to that. I fell repeatedly over the three years I was married, and her heart got stomped on over and over. Unbeknownst to me, she was struggling internally with same sex attraction, and that began to surface in the third year before we separated. Yet we still tried to get help where it might be available. There were no resources back then like there are now. When we split up, she went into lesbianism. My pastor said there was nothing he could do to help me, so I gave up and returned to embracing an out and proud gay identity.
There was nothing “gay” about my life from that point on. I was in and out of relationships with men, never faithful to anyone. Though I was openly gay with the necklace, the bracelet, and the bumper sticker, what I needed, I wasn’t getting. From 1996 to 1999, I wanted out.
I worked in the restaurant industry, and God began to bring specific people into my life who let me know He not only saw me, but was pursuing me. One chance encounter with a woman I didn’t know changed the direction I was heading. She said, “You’re going to think I’m crazy, but God’s trying to get your attention and wants to talk to you the way a Father wants to talk to His son.” That spoke to the deep-seated father wound within.
That helped bring me to the place where I fell before God and committed to following Him no matter the cost. I was ready to leave the broken, distorted, depressed, and unhappy life I was living behind.
Everything changed within 24 hours. It wasn’t instantly gay to straight, but it was trusting Jesus to lead me where He wanted me to go. It did result in coming to terms that I was created heterosexually, and that I struggled with homosexual sin. That changed everything because I could lay it all at the foot of the cross and receive His life into absolute freedom.
About my current life in ministry
My involvement with First Stone Ministries (FSM) began in the fall of 2003, when I relocated to Oklahoma City to participate in the Living Waters Program hosted by FSM and developed by Desert Streams Ministries. Living Waters helped me address my own codependency and emotional dependency (prevalent in homosexuality), abuse, the father and mother wound, and gender identity issues.
I then became an assistant small group leader, eventually becoming a small group leader, which has been a fantastic experience. I’ve been serving as a men’s minister for the past nine years. I’m also grateful to be part of a ministry that will celebrate 50 years of proclaiming hope and healing from relational and sexual brokenness in Christ this coming January.
I serve as the men’s minister and coordinate both our in-person and lead our new online Parents Support Groups, I also bring something significant to the table with our parent support group: I have a 38-year-old daughter who married a woman last year. What I offer is a testimony that reflects what the parents long to see with their prodigal. This empowers me to come alongside with empathy and compassion as a parent with a prodigal.
God’s incredible grace and power have blanketed my journey. Even so, I’m still in the healing process from the trauma of physical abuse, porn exposure, molestation, sexual abuse, and trafficking. Still, the restoration I’ve experienced is so profound that my past often feels like a bad dream. I know who I am now—I walk in freedom from addiction, the confidence of being a man created by God, redeemed by Jesus, and secure in my identity as a heterosexual man.
First Stone’s tagline captures my heart: “Freedom is not in a method or a program, but in the person of Jesus Christ.” That has proven true repeatedly in my life. I owe Jesus my life. Psalm 18:19 says, “He also brought me out into a broad place; he delivered me because He delighted in me.”
Jesus rescued me, broke the chains, set me free, and gave me a new life. Today, I have the privilege of walking with other men, helping them find the same freedom from addiction, same sex attraction, co-dependency, exploring the father and mother wound, and healing that only Christ can bring.
-JF
