Dear readers, we frequently receive questions like this. If the scenario below is familiar to you, have a look.
Q:
Our daughter has recently informed us she is non-binary. She has a friend who has been going by another gender for a couple of years, and we think our daughter’s self-identification is related to her friend’s.
We are looking for information or resources to help us talk to our daughter about her identity, and to help protect our family in this digital age, including our sons. We are all the more concerned in the wake of the recent violence (Minneapolis Catholic church and Charlie Kirk being the most recent examples).
We do have hope that we are not too late. Nevertheless, the things she watches on the internet and many of the people with whom she associates are part of the left, liberal, LGBT culture, and we know it is greatly affecting her.
Any help you can provide is greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Concerned Parents
A:
Dear Concerned Parents,
Let me first say how sad and sorry I am to learn of this situation. I am sure this is heartbreaking and painful for you and your whole family. And let me also assure you that you are not “too late.” A situation of this kind is never truly final There is always room for hope and positive change.
That said, I wish I had some magic formula that I could promise would be helpful. As it is, I can offer you a few guidelines and suggestions. You will have to discern for yourselves how best to handle the situation.
First of all, you mentioned she already has the factual information she needs. [Edited from the question for purposes of preserving anonymity.] This tells us that facts are not the problem. She has information. She doesn’t want to accept it. Maybe she doesn’t want it to be true. Or maybe she knows it is true, but pictures her situation as different and special. Whatever the reason, more “data” isn’t going to sway her.
The real benefit of the factual information in this case, is to give you, her parents, the courage and fortitude you need to stay the course.
I suggest the following areas of focus:
- Do everything you can to love each other and strengthen your relationship. There are a couple of reasons I say this. This type of identity crisis in a child can tax even the best marriage. And, sometimes the child is reacting to some dysfunction or difficulty in the life of the family, especially the parents’ marriage. Obviously, I am not accusing you of anything. I have no way of knowing anything specific. But: if you keep your communication open between each other and with God, you may discern something that is more important than you realized. And finally, focus on your love for each other because you are going to need each other. (Permit me to say: I find it very encouraging that you both wrote this email to me. That is not always the case.)
- Keep the lines of communication with her open, but don’t pretend to change your fundamental beliefs in order to accommodate her new ideas. Some of our videos in our Advice to Parents series may give you some ideas.
- Keep the lines of communication with your sons open. Do not allow your worry for your daughter to overwhelm the needs your sons may have.
Finally, our Parent Resource Center lists many helpful organizations. We compiled this list because we get so many inquiries of this kind.
Please let me know how this goes. As I said earlier, there is no magic formula. There is lots of prayer, discernment and commitment. Every family’s path is different.
Sincerely your friend,
Dr. Morse
