Very interesting article over at Ethika Politika, called “Choosing Transformational Marriage,”by a young lady named Elizabeth Stoker Bruening. She makes the point that we are all so freaked out over whether we stay married or get divorced
and how we feel, that we overlook the transformational nature of marriage itself. She observes that the raft of “quick fixes” to prevent divorce
or create happiness:
already mistake the nature of the institution. In the ‘romantic’ view, marriage … was only ever a declaration of love; the deluge of media mediating
on how to restore affection, satisfaction, or interest to a marriage is evidence of this sense of divorce as the inevitable outcome of weakened sentiments.
Yet, all these projects intend to manipulate marriage to better serve one’s own purposes, while … marriage is better thought of as a purpose to be served, in which the long story of love unfolds. Marriage lasts wherein the couple allow themselves to be transformed by it, and faithfully commit to that
transformation, re-orienting the way they relate to one another and the marriage itself by willful habitation to the virtues of charity and kindness.
I agree with Mrs. Bruening that the best view of marriage is to see it as a purpose worth pursuing, rather than as a vehicle for
pursuing pre-existing personal purposes. Ironically, we end up being happier ourselves when we stop focusing exclusively on our own happiness. And
I also agree that the “consumer view” of marriage is tragically common in our culture. In fact, the very first comment on this article was “The trick is both husband and wife need to be on board. What is really tragic is when you have one spouse who gets the transformational thing but the other spouse does not.” This is an example of precisely what Mrs. Bruening is arguing against! This commenter measures “success” in terms of how the other spouse behaves.
But true self-giving love does not depend on the outcome, or on other peoples’ behavior. We can usually intuit this when we think about love between
parents and children. We don’t measure the “success” of our love by whether the child loves us back or “turns out right.” We want those
things, of course. But we know that if those were our only motives, our love would be more self-referential than it ought to be. We would
be slightly ashamed. There is no reason we cannot love in a self-giving way, even with adults. Mrs. Bruening’s view of marriage as a transformation
is completely consistent with my book with Betsy Kerekes, “101 Tips for a Happier marriage.”
In fact, the original subtitle of our book, (back when it was a pamphlet written by me without a co-author) was “you can improve your marriage, even if
your spouse doesn’t change a bit!” Either party can be “on board” and do something really transformational for their marriage. It is true that either party can end the relationship. That is why it makes no sense to set a personal goal of “keep the spouse in the marriage.” You cannot control that. The real goal is living the life of self-giving capacious love, for its own sake, just as Mrs. Bruening describes. And, it is just possible, the spouse will be transformed. Particularly if you do not insist upon it. Or attempt to measure it. Or make comparisons. And so on. Let your love be an end in itself. If this view of marriage appeals to you, consider purchasing “101 Tips for a Happier Marriage: Simple Ways for Couples to Grow Close to God and to Each Other” from the Ruth Store. You can give book to a newly married couple or keep it for yourself!
