A lot of my followers have asked how they can avoid being revictimized after being sexually abused since they wish to form good, healthy relationships, the ultimate goal being marriage. Since these questions regarding relationships, marriage, and revictimization can go hand in hand, I am going to tackle these questions throughout my next few blog posts.

In this blog post, I am referring to abuse that is direct and intentional. I make this distinction because victims can feel revictimized in a variety of situations. For example, medical evaluations or police interviews can bring up very painful memories, causing a victim to feel as though they are reliving their past trauma. The revictimization referred to here pertains to victim’s who fall prey to an abuser.

People who have been previously victimized have a higher likelihood of being revictimized later on. First off, no matter how many times someone has been abused, it is never their fault. Unfortunately, survivors who come forward on multiple occasions typically find that their stories are met with confusion and disbelief.

Some reasons for revictimization include:

Here are a few suggestions of what NOT to say to someone who has been victimized more than once:

“How could this happen to you more than once?”

“Didn’t you learn from what happened the first time?”

“It must have been something you did.”

“It’s your fault that these things keep happening to you.”

If you are trying to help someone who has experienced multiple cases of abuse, it is best that you do your research, get educated, and get the help you need in order to help them work through their trauma.

Two things to note:

First, sadly, some victims (especially those who have not gotten the help they needed) turn into abusers themselves and other victims can fall prey to their abuse. When abuse becomes normalized for someone, they are more likely to become abusers themselves. It’s easy for a victim to feel a connection to another victim. Abusers are master manipulators regardless of their history but having been abused themselves allows them to more easily manipulate and exploit someone else.

Second, something else that is important to note is that healing is a lifelong process. How you heal changes as you and your life circumstances change. Triggers may become different, how you handle triggers change, your support system may change, etc. As a result, it seems a bit unrealistic to advise someone to completely heal before entering into a relationship. I would argue that anyone can still be somewhat broken and yet enter into a healthy relationship. However, both parties must have healed enough from past traumas so that they can be self-aware and also recognize any harmful patterns that could be developing.

Here are some tips for working towards avoiding revictimization:

A quick note in regard to self-defense or carrying a weapon: this is not something that can promise to absolutely prevent abuse of any kind. It is an option and a tool for some people. The fact that someone is trained in (for example) martial arts, still does not promise that he or she will never become victim to any kind of violent assault or abuse.

If you are a survivor of abuse, try not to be so hard on yourself! Be patient with yourself. It’s tough to navigate trauma and also whatever season of life you may be in. If your goal is to form good, healthy relationships with the ultimate goal being marriage, do be sure that you are truly ready for a relationship before diving headfirst into dating. It is far better to care for yourself first and learn some techniques for avoiding revictimization rather than finding yourself in another abusive situation. Good, healthy relationships are possible, and they can be healing but if you are still in a deeply vulnerable state, you need to be able to get to a point where you can not only handle a relationship with all its highs and lows (including supporting another person in carrying their crosses) but to be able to more easily recognize potential red flags that could point to an abusive situation.

Remember, past trauma does not have to be a life sentence! It does not have to rule your life forever and you can break free from the chains of abuse! Wherever you are at on your healing journey, I encourage you to take things day by day. Take your time. This isn’t a race. Focus on caring for the person whose worth is far more precious beyond that of any earthly treasure. That person is YOU! Everything else will fall into place over time and with patience.

Do you have a question about victimization and/or healing? Email me at AskASurvivor@ruthinstitute.org. Your name and personal information will never be used in my public responses.

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