Being able to develop and maintain good, healthy relationships after abuse is an important part of the healing process especially for survivors who wish to marry and start a family. Although not easy, relationships leading to a happy, fruitful marriage are possible. In part two of my blog series regarding relationships, I will be sharing some tips for forming healthy relationships (with the goal of marriage) as well as some of the signs that someone might just be “marriage material.” You can read part 1 (Revictimization) here.

Sexual abuse can leave survivors feeling powerless, out of control, and resentful. They may have a hard time trusting others and also struggle with depression and flashbacks, feelings of shame, blame, and self-doubt, and have difficulty regulating their emotions. When thoughts such as, “I’m damaged goods, no one will ever want me, and no one will ever want to take on this baggage,” are constantly plaguing someone’s mind, it is understandable that many abuse survivors believe that they will never be in a healthy, happy relationship (let alone that they deserve to be in one).

Some other issues resulting from sexual abuse that can negatively affect healthy future relationships include:

Keep in mind that a relationship may be unhealthy but not necessarily abusive. An unhealthy relationship is still of course not ideal, particularly if the ultimate goal is marriage and starting a family. If you are looking to marry one day, then you should work with your support system, receive the help you need, and gauge your readiness before pursuing a romantic relationship. While lifelong relationships can be healing, a survivor at least needs to be in a place where he or she can recognize the red flags of a potential abuser. You should also be in a place where you can rely on the coping skills you have learned, rather than always needing to rely on others.

In other words, a survivor should be fairly self-sufficient before pursuing a relationship. Marriage is, after all, about two people and not just one. If one spouse is constantly in need of support and validation, he or she will be less able to support their husband or wife in their times of need. Therefore, chances are that the marriage is not going to be very successful. This would also be unfair to any children who might come along. Ideally, children need both parents to be fully invested.

*In cases where survivors are turning to sexual relations and promiscuity as a coping skill or due to shame or alcohol or drug use, professional help is absolutely needed before any romantic relationship is considered.

Here are some tips for survivors who do feel ready to pursue a relationship with marriage in mind:

What are some signs that an individual may be “marriage material?” You might have your own personal “checklist” detailing some of your non-negotiables – things you do or don’t want in a spouse. These “checklists” are different for everyone. Aside from your own requirements, here are some positive things to look for, particularly in regard to how someone else deals with your traumatic past:

*Someone who refuses to listen, refuses to accept your past, runs from you, or is unwilling to learn or become involved in your healing is not worth pursuing. You are better off ending the relationship.

Relationships, especially for a survivor, require patience, time, and hard work. A survivor has an important choice to make: to accept what has happened and learn to live with their trauma and find ways to develop good, healthy relationships, or live in the trauma and face the possibility of getting involved in some not so healthy relationships. Forming healthy, lasting relationships is possible! However, you do have to do the work and make the commitment to not allow trauma to forever run your life. This is possible! You can lead an amazing, fulfilling life after abuse. There is freedom from the chains of abuse.

If you are a survivor of sexual abuse who is ready to pursue the vocation of marriage, you need to be aware of unhealthy, toxic, or abusive relationships but you also be willing to open your heart. There is always a possibility that you could be hurt somehow even if it is in a far less traumatic way than the abuse you suffered. This is yet another hurdle to overcome when paving the way for a healthy relationship. No relationship is perfect, and no other human being can take away all of your pain. No relationship, no matter how wonderful, can “save” you, nor can you be anyone’s savior.

Please don’t give up hope! You can have a healthy, loving, respectful, joyful relationship! You can find someone to create a new normal with, someone who will join you on your healing journey. You, my friend, are resilient. You are precious and you are worthy of love!

For my next blog post, I’ll be sharing some tips for individuals who are interested in someone who has an abusive past. I’ll be talking about how to respond appropriately if your significant other discloses abuse to you especially if you want to be part of the solution and not part of the problem! I’ll also be sharing some steps you can take so you can be a more empathetic and supportive person so you can be a better companion on your loved one’s healing journey.

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