Most of us have heard the expression, “Two wrongs do not make a right.” This seems like a fairly simple concept and yet so often we try to justify hurting others because they have hurt us (tit for tat). Even if revenge feels like the only way to right a wrong, it’s not the solution. Pursuing revenge is wrong and it can be dangerous. It doesn’t usually fix anything and doesn’t win you back any power. Healing from the desire for revenge is the only way to move forward on the path towards peace and freedom.
Pursuing Justice and Showing Mercy
The fact that a victim pursues justice against their abuser does not mean that they are intent on seeking revenge. This not true at all! Unfortunately, justice is not always done on this earth, but pursuing justice against someone who has wronged you can be a good thing (such as in cases of sexual assault). Pursuing justice can not only be healing for the victim, but it can help put a stop to a perpetrator’s actions and help prevent future victims. Justice can also encourage the perpetrator to seek help and change their life. In this way, pursuing justice can be a way of showing mercy. A victim’s courage to pursue justice can be a way for a perpetrator to face their bad choices and change their lives. It is also showing mercy by helping to prevent future victims.
Sometimes things will be unjust. People who do deserve to be punished aren’t. People who have hurt us don’t get punished. This life isn’t always just. As a matter of fact, sometimes things happen that are totally unfair. Regardless, we are called to show mercy. Pursuing justice is one way to do that. Revenge is another issue.
The Issues with Pursuing Revenge
Taking pleasure or satisfaction in “getting back” at another can be a defense mechanism due to trauma. As normal as the inclination can be especially following a trauma, it’s not a healthy one. You might think that retaliation will put you back on top. It won’t. Rather, retaliation only leads to a vicious, sadistic cycle of trying to “make” people suffer in the ways you have. That solves nothing.
Seeking justice and holding others accountable for their wrongdoing is one thing. Becoming a bully and constantly needing to have perceived power over others is another thing entirely. We see far too much of that in our culture today. It is never okay. You might be thinking that “getting back” at the person/s who hurt you will make you feel better. It won’t. Actually, it’s going to make you feel worse in the long run.
Some Tips for Healing from the Desire for Revenge
Here are some tips for working through feelings of wanting revenge:
-Be patient. Letting go of the need for revenge takes time
-Direct your anger to something positive. First of all, anger is not necessarily a bad thing. It really depends on what you are doing with your anger. When anger feeds into the desire for revenge, it’s not a good thing. Find a positive outlet to help you handle those negative emotions. Choosing a physical activity is a great idea! Not only is it healthy for you but exercise also releases feel-good hormones that help you to feel better.
-Consider using your pain to help others. Not everyone is called to this so it’s something to think and pray about. Having even a small platform can be therapeutic for you. At the same time, your experiences can help others. It can be a win-win of sorts. However, this comes with a word of caution: be careful about getting caught up in the victim mindset. It can be all too easy to fall into the trap of thriving on negative attention.
-Use positive affirmations. When a negative thought hits you, try reframing it in a more positive way. For example, if you think to yourself, “I will always hate this person,” combat that thought with, “I can learn to forgive.”
-Acknowledge and understand the hurt. When you understand why you are feeling a certain way, working through the emotions becomes a bit less intimidating. Get the help you need to process the wrong done to you and the emotions that go with it.
-Pray. Always pray! Pray for the grace to forgive the people who have hurt you. Also pray that the people who have hurt you come to accept their wrong-doings and walk towards the light of healing in their own lives. Remember that forgiving does not necessarily mean forgetting nor does it always mean reconciliation (in some cases, reconciliation would be dangerous and unadvisable). Through our faith, we can find the strength that is necessary to forgive. It’s not easy and takes time, but it is possible!
My Motivation for You
I have heard it said that the best revenge after abuse is taking care of yourself, moving on, and healing. You have the power to show your perpetrator that you are the better person and that their actions aren’t going to hold you back. Seeking revenge isn’t worth it for many reasons. You are worth so much more than that! Focusing on revenge will only keep your wounds fresh and open, wounds that would have healed. You deserve peace, peace that comes from freedom through forgiveness.
While you shouldn’t make it a goal to “forgive and forget,” I do want to motivate you to acknowledge the wrongs done to you. Then you can work on letting go of the hate which gradually leads to forgiveness. With time, practice, and patience, you can learn to let go of the desire for revenge and thrive instead of simply survive.
If you are struggling with wounds causing you to turn to revenge and retaliation, I want to motivate you to seek help and try any (or all) of the above tips. Always remember that seeking out help is okay!
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