To all Fathers on Father’s Day
By Faith Hakesley This Sunday we remember fathers. Let’s face it, families, fathers, and fatherhood are under attack in today’s culture. Fathers are important. Some people want to believe that we don’t need good dads. Yet, time and time again, we have seen the dire results of fatherless homes. We see what happens when men […]
Speaking the Truth in Love
By Faith Hakesley Well, June is here. It’s pretty hard to miss. Most everywhere we look, we are inundated (more so than usual) with rainbows and other symbols of “Pride.” These Pride events display cultural grooming at its finest. Many of us are filled with anger and frustration at the left’s agenda being thrown in […]
The Power of Speaking Up
By Faith Hakesley Something I have learned through, not only my own experience, but the experiences of others, is that speaking up about injustices done to you or others is tough. Whether you are a whistleblower regarding particular issues or you are coming forward about abuse in order to take down a predator, your cross […]
Community Support for Victims of Sexual Abuse
By Faith Hakesley As a survivor of sexual abuse, my heart holds a special place for my fellow survivors. I hope this little Advice from a Survivor blog can offer a small bit of support. Every time I click the “publish” button, my prayer is that God speaks to you through my writing. No matter […]
Honoring All Mothers This Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day can understandably be a day met with mixed reactions by different people depending on their experiences. While many of us will rejoice in the tremendous gift of motherhood, many of us will also grieve on Mother’s Day for the wounds we carry – the wounds of miscarriage, child loss, parent loss, infertility, single […]
Seeds of Hope
It’s okay if you’re struggling right now. I want to remind you that, even in the midst of the most difficult circumstances, you are not alone. Allow God to plant seeds of hope in your heart and over time you will find that your wounds grow into something beautiful. There are a lot of assumptions […]
Faking it Until You Make it
“I’m fine.” How often do we say those two little words? How often do we actually mean them? I can recall many situations in which people have asked, “How are you?” and the response in my head has been much different than what I have actually said out loud. Over the years, I’ve gotten really […]
Pride: The Root of Clerical Abuse
When people ask me why I think the clerical abuse scandal has gone on as long as it has and continues to unfold, I respond by saying that there are many reasons. However, I believe that pride is at the root of it. Before we continue, some of you might be quick to assume that […]
God’s Love in Our Wounds
We live in a wounded world. There is so much pain and suffering. All of us are wounded in one way or another whether it is through no fault of our own or because of the sins of another. When we choose to acknowledge our woundedness, we can actually grow. Our wounds and scars remind […]
Choosing to Heal: Will You Live as a Victim or as a Victor?
Learning to truly live again after being hurt is challenging. While we all live with wounds of one kind or another, it can be all too easy for us to sit in our hurts and remain there. All survivors have to choose to heal – to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps, move forward, and […]
Midweek Motivation: Dancing for Joy
Sometimes we all need to be reminded to reclaim childlike joy. Last weekend I was reminded of this as a result of a breakthrough “aha” moment. In a spontaneous moment of carefree fun with my family, I found myself dancing for joy for the first time in a long time. I have never been much […]
Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing
In the gospel of Matthew, Jesus warns His followers, “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves” (Matthew 7:15). We have been warned of this many times and yet we are still easily deceived. These wolves in sheep’s clothing are master manipulators. They live among us in […]
The Beauty of Womanhood: A Reflection on True Feminine Strength
Recently, a friend asked me how I think women can help fight against the sexual revolution and counter its lies. Quite simply, I think it’s time that women take back the beauty of womanhood and embrace true feminine strength. Strong Women We hear about “strong women” so much these days. Yet, oddly enough, our culture […]
Midweek Motivation: Doing the Impossible
Sometimes, parts of life feel impossible. Healing is one such part. When life feels impossible, slow down and take things one step at a time. Keep putting one foot in front of the other until you get through the seemingly impossible seasons. You might be grieving your past choices or contending with the aftermath of […]
Returning to Church After Clerical Abuse: Suggestions from a Survivor
by Faith Hakesley For centuries, churches have been places of worship and refuge. Yet, we have been faced with the sad fact that some people do not always provide a safe place for worship or refuge. While our churches should be places of spiritual enrichment helping us to grow in holiness, they can sometimes be […]
Midweek Motivation
If you are contending with any kind of trauma, you are probably feeling overwhelmed. That’s only natural. However, if the physical space around you is cluttered and disorganized, you will likely feel even more overwhelmed. Decluttering can be an important part of self-care especially when you are healing from trauma. Choosing to surround yourself with […]
The TentMakers of Louisiana: An Interview with Letitia Peyton
You never know how your voice and your experiences might become a part of someone else’s story of healing. God calls us all to something different. The important thing is that we remain open to what we feel called to do. The Peyton family of Louisiana is one such example of what it means to […]
Midweek Motivation: Small Steps, Big Changes
Entering into the New Year with Simple, Manageable Goals As we enter into this new year, I just want to remind you that it’s okay to slow down and approach the year with small steps. Sometimes the smallest steps can lead to the biggest changes. Each new year we are hit with many suggestions to […]
Hope Renewed: Meeting Pope Benedict XVI
Sometimes all it takes is a single person in a single moment to renew someone’s hope and help them to heal. For me, it was Pope Benedict XVI who planted the seeds of hope in my heart during a time when I needed it most. This week I want to share about this life-changing and […]
When the Holidays are Difficult
Sometimes getting through the holidays is difficult. I’ve been there. I will never forget that first Christmas without my oldest brother following his death from a heart condition over 20 years ago. It was excruciatingly painful. Since then, the holidays have been bittersweet for my family and me. It’s a time when we feel our […]
<strong>Midweek Motivation: </strong>Fueling Your Body and Mind
Something I hear very often from many survivors is that they lack energy and stamina especially in the initial stages of dealing with a trauma. Having endured multiple traumas, I have felt this way many times. Through my own experience over the years, I have found that one way to help contend with trauma and […]
Gratitude in the Midst of Turmoil
There are a lot of negative things happening in our world right now. We don’t have to look very far to find something. However, despite a lot of things not going the right way or the way we wish they would, it is still possible to focus on growing in gratitude while still fighting for […]
The Scars of Trauma
Does time really heal all wounds? I have been asked this question on several occasions, and my answer is no. While some wounds can and do get better with time, they often leave scars that serve as reminders of the past. We may not be constantly aware of these scars but, from time to time, […]
Midweek Motivation: To Share or Not to Share?
Awhile back I saw this quote somewhere, “Your suffering doesn’t have to be inspirational,” and it stuck with me. While others might interpret this differently, here’s how I see it: the lessons you learn, the changes you make, and the perseverance you show to get through hard times isn’t necessarily meant to be shared with everyone. […]
Victim to Victor: Recognizing and Addressing a Victim Mentality
I was recently asked why, even after years have passed following sexual abuse or some other trauma, some survivors perpetually behave and think like victims. There are different reasons behind what is known as a victim mentality but having a victim mentality usually starts as a coping mechanism. It can be exacerbated by a lack […]
Midweek Motivation: Developing Routines
Routines and patterns can be healthy and healing. Many survivors recovering from sexual abuse find them helpful. Developing routines are predictable and can help you feel more balanced and productive. Healing is a different journey for each survivor but, let’s face it, it can be a rough and precarious road to travel. We all need […]
Preparing to Report Sexual Abuse to Law Enforcement
What happens when a survivor reports abuse to law enforcement? What can one expect? While each police department may operate a little differently, I want to walk you through what to generally expect when preparing to report sexual abuse to law enforcement.
When Prayer Doesn’t Seem to Work
For a person of faith, prayer can be a powerful tool. However, there may be times when prayer doesn’t seem to work. This is especially true for people who have suffered abuse, particularly clerical abuse. I have spoken with many survivors who have prayed for inner peace, strength, and justice. Yet their prayer seems to […]
Reporting Clerical Abuse: Why Some Victims Don’t Come Forward and Some Advice on Reporting Clerical Abuse
If you have been a victim of abuse by a priest or any other person representing the Catholic Church, you can report it. Deciding to report any kind of abuse is not always an easy thing to do especially for a victim. Reporting clerical abuse is no different. Since I have received a few questions specifically about […]
Midweek Motivation: Coping with Anxiety
All of us have dealt with anxious thoughts at one time or another. Anxiety can hit when we least expect it.
Stop Victim Blaming
Why do people oftentimes turn on abuse survivors, blaming them or not believing them? Why does victim blaming happen? One of the most common comments I hear from abuse survivors is that people turned on them when they came forward about past abuse. They have been blamed and even mocked for the abuse instead of […]
Midweek Motivation: The Positive Little Things
Those of you who follow me on social media are probably already aware that I gave birth to my husband’s and my fifth child at the end of July. Many people have pointed out that we have our hands full. We do. However, I also like to inform them that our hearts are even more […]
Nothing Left to Give: Coping with Survivor Burnout
I received this question from a reader: I know I am a survivor. As a 1980s teenager, I engaged in punk, drugs, and sex, but always felt there was something wrong. I have been married twice, have had an abortion, have a blended family, and now my eldest says he is transgender and hasn’t spoken […]
Midweek Motivation: Practicing Positive Self-talk
What we tell ourselves can hold a lot of power. Each of us carries around a set of untruths/lies. This is especially true when we have lived through a trauma such as sexual abuse. These untruths are things that we have come to believe about ourselves. However, they are not necessarily true. These untruths have […]
Fighting Against Progress: Fathers Leading the Family
I received this question from a reader: I am a father of three girls. I feel the need to take part in fighting against all the ‘progress’ being made to undermine Christian and otherwise traditional values, but I am overwhelmed in the face of the enormity of it. Any suggestions for how I can help? […]
Midweek Motivation: Embracing a Grateful Heart
Stop for a moment and reflect on what you are grateful for. It’s easy to get caught up in all the bad stuff that’s happening in our lives and in the world around us. Don’t misunderstand…it’s OK if you’re struggling! However, consider for a moment if you have become so hyper-focused on the negative that […]
Finding Freedom Through Forgiveness: Forgiving an Abuser
I received this question from a reader: what happens when you extend forgiveness to your abuser, but he/she refuses to accept responsibility for their actions and does not positively receive our forgiveness? Before answering this question, I want to try to clear up some of the confusion that often arises regarding forgiveness. Forgiveness is a […]
Midweek Motivation: Learning to Say No
Learning to say no is an important part of self-care and personal growth. Are you a “yes” person? Are you someone who wants to please everyone else? Do you frequently say yes to requests even when they conflict with your emotional, physical, and/or spiritual health? Do you constantly put everyone else before yourself thereby negatively […]
Choosing a Good Counselor
I received this question from a reader: How can I find a good counselor for my healing? Would I require a trauma counselor or just any counselor? Should they be specialized in sexual abuse? Do you recommend online counselling or in person? Therapy. It’s something that makes some people squirm. Yet, choosing a good counselor and […]
Midweek Motivation: Get Up and Move
There are many coping mechanisms available to help us deal with trauma and physical activity is one of them; get up and move!
The Fight to be Heard: A Follow-up Regarding the Clerical Abuse Scandal and the Synod on Synodality
Does the sexual abuse scandal have to be on everyone’s minds and lips every moment of everyday? Of course not. However, it is too easily ignored and thrown on the backburner. Too many priests, bishops, and lay people have forgotten what it means to be the hands and feet of Christ here on earth. Several […]
Midweek Motivation: Asking for Help
Asking for help can be difficult for many of us. It can make us feel vulnerable and also make us feel as though we are a burden. This isn’t true. Today, I want to gently remind you that it is absolutely OK to ask for help. In a chapter on strength in my book, Glimmers […]
Relationships, Part 4: Marriage After Sexual Abuse
This is part four of my four-part blog series on relationships after sexual abuse. So far, I have addressed revictimization, forming healthy relationships after abuse, and pursuing someone with a traumatic past. This post will be discussing marriage after abuse, some of the challenges couples face, and how couples can work together to help one […]
Healthy Relationships After Abuse Part 3:
Healthy relationships after abuse are possible: you can help someone with a traumatic past to rebuild their self-worth and a better future.
Healthy Relationships After Abuse: Part 2, Forming Healthy Relationships
Being able to develop and maintain good, healthy relationships after abuse is an important part of the healing process.
Healthy Relationships After Abuse: Part 1, Revictimization
How to avoid being revictimized after being sexually abused with the goal of forming good, healthy relationships.
Coming Together to Save Our Church: The Synod on Synodality
Speaking out for survivors of clerical abuse in lieu of the Synod on Synodality taking place within the Catholic Church.
Learn the Signs: Understanding the Grooming Process
One of the questions I get a lot in regard to sexual abuse cases is, “Why did the victim keep going back to his or her abuser?” The answer is grooming. Learning and understanding the warning signs of the grooming process is crucial in order to better protect ourselves and others from predators. The grooming […]
Being the Hands and Feet of Christ: Some do’s and don’ts for supporting victims of clerical abuse.
Last week on the Ask a Survivor blog, I talked about some of the do’s and don’ts of helping and supporting survivors of sexual abuse. You can read that post HERE. This week, I want to add to that discussion a bit more and talk about some of the do’s and don’ts specific to helping […]
LEADING WITH LOVE AND COMPASSION: Some Dos and Don’ts of Helping Survivors of Sexual Abuse
Helping survivors of sexual abuse means being a safe place for loved ones who have suffered abuse. Here are some important dos and don’ts.
LIFE AFTER TRAUMA: Healing Doesn’t Mean No More Bad Days
by Faith Hakesley I recently received this message and question from a survivor of sexual abuse: I experienced tremendous trauma (including sexual abuse and bullying) while growing up and I have done everything I could to heal from it. I’ve gotten therapy, spiritual counseling, and done whatever work I needed to do in order to […]
Remembering the Victims of Clerical Sexual Abuse
by Faith Hakesley on September 17, 2019 Are you tired of hearing about the Catholic Church sexual abuse crisis yet? Speaking as a survivor of sexual abuse by a priest, I’m sure tired of it. Believe me, some days I just want to snap my fingers and make all of the chaos disappear! Each of […]
The Beauty in Our Scars
by Faith Hakesley Scars. We all have them. I think the first time I became truly aware of the impact of scars was the year I was diagnosed and treated for eye cancer (ocular melanoma) in my right eye. Several weeks after surgery and radiation, my eyelid became very itchy one day. I scratched at […]
My Love, My Cross, My Joy
Faith Hakesley shares the hardships she’s endured and overcome getting married with the weight of her childhood sexual abuse.
Finding Freedom Through Forgiveness
by Faith Hakesley Forgiveness is a tough topic for a lot of us. When someone hurts us, our human inclination can sometimes be to hold onto the resentment and bitterness and withhold forgiveness. Jesus asks just the opposite of us. However, this calling to forgive does not come without effort. Forgiveness – particularly when we […]
Not Without Effort
This post by Faith Hakesley originally appeared Nov 8, 2020, at her blog, FaithHakesley.com. Some reflections about healing While healing IS possible, it is hard work. Being authentic, courageous, and strong is hard work, requiring effort, hard work, time, and patience. Some people will try to get you to believe that, if you just have […]
I’m here for you. Let’s talk.
Abuse survivor Faith Hakesley answers the burning questions of other abuse survivors searching for help and healing.